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It’s a game show. I’m sitting in a chair and the host is across from me.
“So Jennifer, you are from the San Francisco Bay Area. You worked in the financial district for a securities firm. You consider yourself a bona fide city girl. You claim that marriage is not a priority, as you like to play the field. You prefer your men big and stupid. Your drink of choice is vodka on the rocks with a Marlboro Light or a triple espresso with a Marlboro Light. Your idea of a perfect day is a hard day at the office followed by a late night barhopping. You consider more than four hours sleep per night a waste of time. Are you ready to play “Not a Chance in Hell”?“Yes, Bob, I am. I’m a girl who knows what she wants and how to get there. I have goals, Bob, and not much gets in my way. I’m pretty sure I’m going to clean up here.”
“Okay, for all you viewers at home, let’s recap. We are going to give Jennifer three scenarios of her future in three years. Jennifer will pick the future she deems least likely. After she chooses, we’ll use our superscope and find out, what exactly the future has in store for our contestant. If Jennifer’s choice is the least likely, she will win One Million Dollars. If her choice is somewhat likely, she will win $250,000 dollars. If her choice is actually her future, she wins a whirl in our “Machine of Future Forgetfulness”** to ensure that this future Jennifer is safe.”
“Jennifer, are you ready?”
“Yes, Bob. I’m ready.”
“Okay, here we go…Scenario One.”
On the screen, Jennifer is sitting alone in a dark office. She’s wearing headphones to help her concentrate as she types furiously at a keyboard. The phone rings. It’s her daughter’s nanny wondering when she’s coming home. A glance at the clock shows its 9:30 pm and the nanny wants to go home. Jennifer closes down her computer and heads back to the modest home she purchased right after her daughter was conceived via the sperm bank. Jennifer wanted a smart kid and the men she had been dating were not that bright. Jennifer enters the house, tired and worn from the long day, pets her cat Cleo and kisses her daughter’s sleeping head.
“So Jennifer, do you find this scenario likely?”
“Yes, Bob. I can see that happening. My employer has really good benefits for children. I can imagine that.”
“Okay, let’s move on to Scenario Two.”
On the screen, Jennifer is sitting alone in a dark office. She’s wearing headphones to help her concentrate as she types furiously at a keyboard. The phone rings. It’s a co-worker at a nearby bar. She says the place is swarming with hot guys and the drinks are flowing. Jennifer closes down her computer, retouches her make-up and fluffs her hair. In the elevator she unbuttons one more button on her blouse. Later, after a few drinks and a lot of pointless conversation, she drives to the modest home she purchased when her last stock options split. Jennifer enters the dark house, tired and worn from the long day, pets her cat Cleo and takes off her stockings and heels in the hallway.
“So, Jennifer, is this scenario likely or not?”
“More likely than the first, Bob, but it’s close. I can definitely see that happening. Its really no different from my present, except that I own my own home and that has always been a priority for me.”
“Okay, then. Let’s move on to Scenario Three.”
On the screen, Jennifer is in bed next to a snoring man. She seems to be tossing and turning. In the background there is a loud bark/honking noise. This noise repeats over and over again in different levels and seemingly by different individuals. It’s the sound of deer in mating season. Surprisingly, Jennifer seems familiar with the noise, enough to know what it is and be annoyed by the fact the deer are getting more action this week than she is. The clock reads 3 am. The alarm is set for 8 am. A Post-It on the clock reads “Breakfast with Tatiana @ 9am.” The platinum band on her left hand indicates she’s married. On the side of the bed is a book of German verbs and a German newspaper. She gets up, as the deer do not seem to be tiring, and looks out the window to see fields and forest. She walks down the dark hallway to the living room. Its big and spacious and so very clean that even in the moonlight you can see the polish and shine. She curls up on the sofa with a book and turns on a small lamp. Her cat Cleo jumps up on to her lap and the two of them cuddle until the sky turns gray with the morning light.
“Jennifer, you have seen three possible futures. Which one do you think is the least likely of happening, which is the “No Chance in Hell” future? Remember this is for One Million Dollars.”
“Bob. This is really easy. The No Chance in Hell future is the one with the nymphomaniac deer. One, I didn’t know deer made noise, ever. Two, I would never live where I could hear deer, even if they do make noise. Three, I did not see a diamond on that ring finger and I would never marry without a diamond. Four, the house was super clean and anyone who knows me, knows that I’m not filthy, but I hate to dust and polish. Five, it was implied that I was intending to sleep for far more than four hours. Six, the note said breakfast with some girl. I never eat breakfast and 9 am is midday for me. I wouldn’t have time. Bob, Scenario Three is so outrageous, I can’t believe your writers put it in there.” Laughter and mirth sprinkle the audience.
“Is that your final decision, Jennifer? Are you so sure of your future that you could not imagine yourself in Scenario Three?”
“Yes, Bob. I’m sure.” She says smugly.
“Harold, tell Jennifer what she has won.”
“Well, Bob, Jennifer’s future is not what she thinks it is. It IS Scenario Three. In the near future she leaves her job at the Securities firm, moves to Germany, marries a German and lives in a house that is not only pristinely clean, but also in the middle of a forest. She gets stuck behind tractors and slows for chickens as well as waking to fornicating deer in the night. Jennifer trades in her vodka on the rocks and Marlborough’s for three-hour workouts at the gym and protein shakes. Her husband bought a loft for them as opposed to a diamond and HE does the dusting and polishing. Because Jennifer no longer has to work, she has time to sleep seven to eight hours a night and her body thanks her for it. As does her cat Cleo who still takes her pillow in the night. Jennifer now has time for coffee dates at small, quiet neighborhood cafés with her girlfriend. Jennifer learns to cook and speak German.
Bob, Jennifer has won a ride in our Machine of Future Forgetfulness…
*************************
The whole point of this post is the fornicating deer. I think they were making deer porn last night because it was just ridiculous. It was at that point that if they had been human you would have pounded on the wall and told them to give it a rest already. The porn part is because I heard at least four different honks from different parts of the forest.
These deer were going for some sort of record and it was KILLING me. Even the cats started to put their little heads under pillows. That’s how loud these guys were.
I’ve lived in a dorm. I’ve lived with slutty girls. I WAS a slutty girl. I’ve lived in apartments with tissue paper for walls; I’ve lived with guys. I have never been woken in the night by anyone human to the same effect as these deer.
Who would have thunk?
**If you’ve ever watched Charmed, you’ll understand that you need to forget the future if you’ve seen it to make sure you don’t alter stuff that would lead to a different future UNLESS you need to alter the present to save to world from total destruction or save a sister from dying by the demon Shax. This is also true if you travel to into the future.
Our downstairs neighbors have been importing German Flags from Turkey to sell and distribute for the World Cup. They have been using our Hof as a psuedo-storage area. This weekend it rained and stormed pretty hard and the bottom of these boxes got wet. Christina and Lisa even mentioned it when we were staring out at the hail (IN MAY!!!).
This is what happens when the bottom of a seriously large stack of boxes gets wet.
Today I was like the freakin’ U.S. Army. I got more done before 9 am… I know the commercial says 6 am, but come freekin’ on. That’s just too early these days.
Dropped Sparky off for a Hamburg headed train at 6 am, worked out, walked 5 km (on a treadmill), picked up the dry cleaning, bottled water, printer cartridges and four movies. Phew. Then I took a really long nap as I watched Dr. Dolittle 3. I don’t want to hear about it. I like movies with talking animals.
Then I noticed a nice puke stain from Ms. Cleo. She is super sick right now and I have no idea what to do about it. She’s on medicine and I have an appointment tomorrow morning with the Vet, but I am very, very worried. The whole chose between your husband and cat thing is not something we bring up in this house because it tends to hurt Sparky’s feelings, so you can imagine my level of anxiety over Cleo right now.
What else, what else. I know there was something else I wanted to write about, but it just left my brain. Have you noticed the more German you learn, the less English words you can remember? No? Maybe it’s just me.
Oh, I know… Last weekend. Yes, yes. That was it. Did anyone mention the pillow fights in babydolls (I was going to add a picture here, but I could only find naked ones. Sorry.) Or the sudsing each other up in the shower? No? No Sorority House antics mentioned? Well, maybe because they didn’t happen, pervert.
Well, what can I add to our society of mutual admiration? I can say that if you weren’t there, you were talked about. Yes, you. And you. And you. If you are on any of our blog rolls you were talked about. Yep. Next time you need to be there to make sure we’re all being nice.
It was mostly of the “ Oh, I wish Ginnie had been able to make it.” or “What will it take to get Belinda to an event because she seems so cool?” or “B seems like a hoot.” variety.
I was so happy with the last minute spontaneous decisions of Claire and Lisa to just jump on that train and hope for the best. And Mausi, I can’t tell you how great she is because there are way to many people singing her praises to hear my voice, but I’m singing along, not just mouthing the words. She’s freekin’ awesome.
Mausi – Thanks for helping make the birthday cake that you didn’t get to eat. It was delish. I was so sad when Sparky took you away and there sat the little cake. It seems like there is never enough time, doesn’t it?
Lisa – I just want to say, I’m glad you were armed and I appreciate you telling me. It saved me a lot of blood. I was going to try to that whole “sell you to slave traders” thing, but once I knew you could cut me, I decided to call it all off. On a serious note. It takes a lot to jump on that train and meet people. Some people can do it with ease, but for others it’s really not that easy and Lisa, you did it and it was awesome. Thanks for taking that chance and I hope you do it again. Scrunchy told me he wanted to play with you last night, but you were gone and he was sad.
Claire – Tell the German he has Lisa to thank for your safety. Man, if she weren’t armed we would have gotten a REALLY good price for you. Money almost changed hands. And I did see the “hidden” microphone. I know you work for the NSA, but its okay. As long as you didn’t see the documents documenting our money laundering scam in the Caymans, I think we’re still good.
Sparky – Sparky was awesome. He did everything and allowed me to enjoy my ladies. He drove, he cleaned, he fetched, he smiled, he joked around and he never once complained about anything. Even when he wanted to pass out from exhaustion, he stayed up waiting for our next desire. You rock, husband. Oh except for your propensity to bring up silicon horse cock. Thank god for Tom Cruise because I have no idea how you could work that in to the conversation with out him. Because, you know, Tom Cruise Loves Horse CockOh and to answer your question, it’s $140.00. Those furries, man, they know how to accessorize.
All and all, it was awesome. We needed more time. I mean, really. Get four women who are starved for female conversation and we’d really need a week or two to run out of stuff to talk about. There is no substitute for face time.
Next time I think we should get a manicurist to come over and treat us all. You would never know it by looking out my window, but it is towards the end of May and I would like to wear sandals.
So ladies, shall we start to plan the next one? When kids are back in school and all our holidays have been taken and we’re glum again? I do not mind hosting again. It was a pleasure.
All right, I have to go watch my Queen Latifah movie and snuggle with Cleo. Later Gators…
Its girlie weekend, girls. And yes, Mausi, you still count as a girl.
Lisa will be here first, with Christina a close second. Claire comes in a bit later, just as the sangria is ready to drink actually. Ginnie will be here in spirit, I am told. Miranda should have been here, but she’s not. I would have been so happy to see my little sister. Sniff, Sniff (Hey mim, that’s as much internet guilt as I can manage)
Cleo is looking forward to sleeping on Christina’s bed. You know how it is with cats and allergy sufferers. Kiska will be traumatized and spend the weekend under the bed. It will be interesting to see how Fin reacts. Eventually, he’ll come out and play.
Sparky will be going by the names Jaaames all weekend, but only if it is said in a British accent. Otherwise he’ll not respond. He is playing driver, butler and errand boy all weekend when he’s not actually trying to get work done and his obsessive visits to the gym. He’s really happy.
J will be sneaking in for lunch tomorrow. He and Sparky and I are going to the “Theata, dahling” later in Sunday evening. Talk about a full weekend.
I’m off to find heavy juice oranges and whip up a frittata.
Later, gators.
Gorgeous Germany. Busty Bavaria. Homoerotic Hessen.
This is a Public Service Announcement for all those living outside Germany. Bavarian Beer wenches can be tempted to do ANYTHING for a weizen, even make-out with their hot girlfriends.
Seriously, all the women in Germany look like this. I know, I know, the stereotypical shot-put thrower is what usually comes to mind when you think of German women, the mean aunt in Mathilda. This is not true. In fact, Germany has the most beautiful and sexually adventurous women in the world. Forget Switzerland, they’re beautiful, but charge you a fortune in jewels or rare artwork then send you on your way. In Germany, it will only cost you a beer.
These ads are all over my city right now. I know sex and advertising and all that jazz, but man, I can’t look away. I swear the brunette is about to French the blond.
You might think they are Lesbian Bavarian Beer wenches, but they aren’t really lesbians. They just make-out with each other for their boyfriends. Its really all about the bratwurst for these girls. And the weizen. Don’t forget the weizen.
These are the girls you meet at Oktoberfest. Really. I swear.
Now, on a totally different topic, go say Happy Birthday to Hamish. He said nothing about his birthday on Sat when we were drinking to J in Koblenz. For that, he will certainly get a “Hamish Fagerstrom, I know you’re in there!” early one Sunday morning when he’s not off globetrotting. It’s best if I don’t know exactly where you live.
Sparky is working like crazy and I have the comp for exactly twenty minutes as he takes a potty break.
I’m on a five days a week workout schedule and I have to say, it is really killing me. Sparky keeps telling me that working out is good for you, but he has yet to prove that point.
Today, these two very slender, very cute Asian chicks snagged the shower stalls. If you don’t snag these stalls, it’s the women’s prison showers for you. I work out early specifically so I can get a shower stall. The shower part of the work out is the carrot to the leg lift/treadmill stick.
I was tearing off my sweaty clothes trying to get to the shower before them. It was all slow motion. I couldn’t get my shirt over my head fast enough as the girls walked calmly towards the stalls. I tripped over my flip-flops and dropped my towel, but they got there first, damn twigs.
These two girls I’m sure were not aware of the rules or they would have left one stall for me. Shower stalls are reserved for women who have something they don’t want to share with the rest of the population and my name is on the top of that list. Slender Asian chicks with skin like lotus blossoms and charming giggles do NOT fall into this category.
I was about to show these two ladies exactly how similar the Fitness Company shower room is to a women’s prison when one of them left. I don’t know why we bothered. I was still sweaty when I left and the girls smelled like mothballs.
In other locker room news, one of the Trainers came out of the showers around the same time I did. I was nervous because I totally shave my legs there and you’re really not supposed to do that (another reason for the privacy afforded by the shower stall). I don’t know why, but I was slightly worried she might see the small nick on the back of my knee and call the shower police to examine my shower bag. She would find not one, but two razors (a backup) and throw me out. Only the guilty spend so much time worrying about such small details. And I had no idea when I walked out of the shower with my Japanese flag on the back of my knee that before the morning was over, Miss Trainer and I would become so familiar.
I’m not too modest a person. Bodies are bodies and I’ve spent enough time examining my own for flaws that I can make myself feel better in 2 seconds by picking out the flaws in others. The point being, I keep my towel wrapped as I do my toilette and if others want to be naked, I really don’t have a problem.
Except when you blow your hair dry. Especially if you WORK there.
There I was minding my own business, bent over with the dryer all up in my roots. I was clothed and even had my shoes on. I swung up during the final cold shot moment (I need the extra volume) only to be greeted by the 2006 Miss Buckeye.
The woman did not have enough flesh on her ass to hide anything. Oh and I do mean anything. I looked around to see if there was a video shoot that I might have inadvertently walked into, but no. It was just me, the Asian chicks and the porn star.
My second thought was that I must be getting old, because that was just over the top. I’ve seen a number of chocolate starfishes and I have to say, the circumstances were very different. Even when the word casual could be connected with such a sighting, it was never quite like this.
So I kinda don’t know where we stand now. Do I just pretend it never happened? Do I smile and act casual? Am I expected to buy her a drink? More importantly, will she still validate my parking?
Update: Sparky seems to think that you might not realize that I saw this woman’s ass hole, her chocolate starfish. So lt me clarify. I saw it all, people, i saw it all.
is still on. So here are the details.
When:
Saturday May 20th and Sunday May 21.
If you only want to come for one day, make it Saturday May 20th.
You decide how long you want to stay. Christina is spending the night and I have one more blow up mattress and a sofa if anyone else wants to spend the night. If you don’t want to take advantage of the luxurious blowup mattress, there is an inn in the area.
Where:
My place in Darmstadt. E-mail me for info.
What:
A girlie weekend. Good food, drinks, coffee provided one of you can make it because I make lousy coffee. I make a mean sangria and a fabu Cosmo. Lots of girl talk and possibly a BBQ if the weather is decent.
What to know:
1. In case you are a serial killer and have never read this blog, I have cats. That’s plural as in three and they are all shedding. If you are allergic to cats, take medication. Otherwise your running nose and watery eyes will give you away.
2. There will be plenty of laughs. If you don’t like to laugh, stay home. Or come and we’ll teach you how.
3. If you do spend the night, I promise bras will not be frozen, but I can’t promise that the old hand in warm water trick won’t be attempted.
4. Sparky and I can shuttle to and from the bahnhof. I’m a better driver, but Sparky can get you there faster.
5. Also, at the same time, J is coming down for the Save Sparky bike ride. Yes, I know, J and a bike, hard to believe. So if you want to bring a significant other, we do have babysitting available.
Be there or be square.
