Bay Area Girl Pretzel Suffocates by Ampleness

Oakland, CA. Rüders

In an attempt to find peace and calm after a very hard day at work, Jennifer Massana, 29, of Oakland took a yoga class and died by suffocation.

“She was very willing to try anything and was flexible enough that I didn’t think I had to worry. The way she could bend her legs backwards over her head told me she’s either done this before or…well, um, she’d done it before.” said Stacy Smith, the yoga instructor. Ms. Smith, a flat chested vegan and 20 year yoga enthusiast was of course horrified by the whole experience.

“Gosh, I don’t even kill animals, of course I’m upset a girl died. She was a meat eater and all, but I’m sad just the same.”

After successfully accomplishing two inverted positions, a hand stand and elbow stand, Jennifer attempted the fatal shoulder stand. This position requires the enthusiast to literally stand on the back of her neck, head resting parallel and spine perpendicular to the floor, arms strapped and supporting the lower back. The straighter the spine, the better the posture.

According to fellow students, Ms. Massana easily achieved the posture.

“That fat girl? Yeah, it surprised me how fast she could get her legs in the air,” one rather inflexible, disgruntled housewife allowed.

“That poor girl. She was so enthusiastic about the different positions, but man, that last one did her in.” commented an abnormally flexible man as he removed his head from his anus, another very challenging position.

Ms. Massana suffocated in front of 10 students as her ample breasts covered her nose and mouth. Sources said her legs flailed wildly at first, but came to rest over her head, in yet another advanced, unnatural and freakish position. The class thought she was showing off and after 8 minutes realized something might be wrong as her toes were no longer flexed.

“You must keep the feet active in every posture, I knew something was wrong when Jennifer’s toes went limp. She always tried so hard to excel.” explained the instructor.

While the class gathered around the girl, shouting words of encouragement and praise, she suffocated.

“I thought she was showing off. A girl with breasts like that would of course be flexible, but did she have to shame us with her heathen knowledge of the Kama Sutra? I’ve heard about that book and I tell you, it’s evil.” One rather heavy Christian woman named Viviane said. “I’m here for Jesus.”

Jesus, the woman’s husband was heard to have said that if one had to go, under that girl’s breasts was the way to do it.

“Did you see her hooters in that body bag? Wow, I’ll bet she had DD cup.”

Ms. Massana was a fan of playing the lottery. While she never won the big jackpot, she certainly bought the farm.


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