Lightning: The Underrated Killer

I think I have Parkinson’s disease. Last month I thought I was having a stroke. I kept Markus up all night talking because I was sure I was going to have a stroke in the middle of the night and for some reason thought if he and I just stayed up all night, Death would pass me by. Markus didn’t mind talking to me so much, but when I went off birth control because of increased risk, HE almost stroked out.

Then I caught a really nasty cold and my aunt told me it was a sign of pregnancy. Then my back hurt and it became an ectopic pregnancy. Then I thought it was kidney stones.

I broke my pinky toe (for real) the night before we left for Tuscany last summer. We all know that all a doctor does is tape it to the other one and send you home. So I taped it up and walked all over Italia. It still hurt when I got back so I figured I had some sort of torn ligament and my toe would need to be amputated because I didn’t get prompt medical attention.

My cousin had stomach cancer at 16. Well, she had stomach cancer until her doctor told her he would have to stick a camera up her bum to find out. Then she had lupus. I think leukemia and sickle cell anemia were in there somewhere.

My aunt had lupus, breast cancer, a stroke and an aneurysm for good measure.

Let me clarify here. I have none of these diseases and no rabbits have died. My aunt and my cousin are in decent physical health and have never suffered the above. Jury is still out on our mental health.

Markus was unaware of this quirk until the night he stayed up talking me off the stroke ledge. One would think he’d have a clue as I lugged the John Hopkins Medical encyclopedia all the way across the globe. I’m no longer allowed to read that book. I’m also forbidden from visiting Web MD.

Markus and my sister say its hypochondria. But is it? I think I’m way too clever than to fall into that illness. It’s for amateurs.

I call it hyperawareness. It’s like jinxing. We keep illness at bay by assuming we already have it. The flip side of that is that we actually invite illness by assuming we already have it, a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s this paradox of superstition that keeps us knee deep in desk references.

This flawless logic seemed to skip my brother and sister. Maybe it’s an exposure thing. I’ve had way more exposure to my mother’s side of the family then they have. Is mental instability communicable? Or is it irrefutable logic.

So, in that vein, I’ve added Web MD to my list of links. Let me know if there is anything cool and deadly. I’ll make the symptoms fit, at least for a week or so. That is if I live long enough.

Did you know lightning can hit you in your house? It can go through your windows. It can get you through your phone. Could be me, but is not.


9 thoughts on “Lightning: The Underrated Killer

  1. It might be prudent to dress in ruber clothes and crouch low to the floor. Minimizes your chances for random lightning hits during the day.

  2. You’d like that, I’m sure. Nice try, perv. You have some fetish for the Michelin Man?

  3. megan says:
    my “hyperawareness” first presented itself when i was about 7 and told my mother
    “Mom… if I think about it hard enough, I ALWAYS have a stomach ache and I ALWAYS have a headache.”
    she told me not to think about it.

  4. Hello Ma’m.

    I guess, this could be a clear case for Quincy oder Trapper John M.D. […] The years passed by and I’m still very content with them curing my headaches. I talk to them very regularily via my telli. I cannot complain, I’m feeling fine with their advices!

  5. Exuberant RS:
    The guys on Quincey are always dead. Trapper is only on in Deutsch. I much prefer ER. I once saw an episode where a guy lost his sense of smell because he took the wrong antiotics and then i lost my sense of smell. I was sure it was because I took antibiotics once.

    megan – did it work?

  6. megan says:

    no, currently i have cancer, irritable bowel syndrome and possibly gall stones, but only because i was reading about them today and this olive oil and lemon juice treatment that’s supposed to help. i kind of just want to do the treatment for good measure.

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