Family and Other Social Diseases

So it’s been an emotionally eventful few days. Let’s see where do I start?

Okay, how about the STD I picked up. It’s my fault, really. I shouldn’t have been seduced so easily. After all, I get plenty at home. But he was black and so sweet. Once you go black, you never go back and all. After our brief encounter, I left, longing for more such encounters. I foolishly left my number should he need it. Then I went home, my thoughts lingering on the possibility of a future together. I know, what was I thinking? I was supposed to wait it out for a red head. That was the agreement I made.

6 days later, the same amount of time it took God to create the earth, I caught the first glimpse of the plague. The Darmstadt Tierheim plague. Ringworm. That sweet black kitten with the striped paws must have been riddled with it because all over my neck. Where he crawled and purred seductively, the rash broke out.

My good friend, WebMD, helped me with a home diagnosis, confirmed by a non-homeopathic dermatologist. Do you know how hard it is to find a doctor that doesn’t try to push homeopathic remedies in Germany? Please see this link for more information. Homeopathic medicines rely on dilution factors of a million parts of water to 1 part of mineral. It’s about drinking water and swallowing salt pills. It’s not the valerian root that knocks me out or the Echinacea or the chamomille teas. Its snake oil and can really make people sick by non-treatment of illnesses.

Anyway, I digress. I was complaining about the rash I will have on my neck for the next 8 weeks. This thing is the first “social” disease I have ever caught. After a life of drinking, smoking and screwing, I catch ringworm from a GD kitten.

Let’s move on.

As we all know, none of my family commented, so it is open season. And what a season it will be. As all family functions go, someone ends up mad at someone else. And like most families, the ties that bind reach far and wide and can strangle with the simplest of tugs. This time it’s my neck. This time it’s me. I’m the pissy one. And I wasn’t even there.

My mother’s side of the family is terribly selfish and narcissistic. I mean really, they are most clueless bunch of people I have ever encountered. They also provide hours of entertainment. Telling the stories of my familial escapades keeps my friends rolling for hours. They are pretty funny if you aren’t in the direct line of fire. Who says things like “If not for my manicurist, my housekeeper and my massage therapist, I do not know how I would have survived the last two years” and not hear what they’re saying? I mean really, who thinks their daughter is having relations with animals when finding teen/animal porn Spam in her email. I mean, I suppose it possible. Her daughter dated some barkers, literally, but I find it highly unlikely. Then again, in my family, we tend judge others by our own image.

So, with familial matters what they are, I’ve decided its time to go home and kick some ass, take care of business and eat a GD burrito. It’s been so long. I have a list of people I want to see and a list of food I want to eat. I don’t know which list is more important.

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8 thoughts on “Family and Other Social Diseases

  1. i commented, but please continue with stories about all others i am terribly interested, and i’m part of the family.
    I love you.

  2. hold on to your hat! There are some doosies. And I suppose you’re old enough now, huh? xoxo-jen

  3. I’ll certainly be reading along! Who doesn’t love family drama?

    (Geting all itchy just thinking about ringworm – eww.

    You need to go to my doctor – I make my own diagnosis and then go and tell him what’s wrong with me and what I need and he says “Oh, OK” and writes a prescription. Piece of cake. I’d be really suspicous about a doc who wanted to use homeopathic drugs for a rash.

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