Darmstadt, Germany, Rueders
An American woman is being held responsible for the death of a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream left in her care. The pint had been left in the custody of Ms. M when her husband left for the gym. Upon return, the man discovered the corpse.
Authorities have the woman in custody. Witnesses are said to have overheard the American planning the murder over her husband’s protests shortly after purchase. The woman, citing her American citizenship, pled the Fifth Amendment and asked for a representative from the American Consulate.
After purchasing two extremely expensive pints of Vermont’s best ice cream at the local video store, the woman and her husband drove home and settled both pints in the freezer for use later that night. The husband left for approximately 2.5 hours. When he came home, he discovered the empty, dead pint on the counter top and chocolate covering his wife’s lips and t-shirt.
Witnesses at the video store state that the woman looked a little crazed as she ravaged the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream display. One clerk heard her say “Anything with chocolate. Or cookie dough. I don’t care, it’s not going to last long!” The local police are contemplating conspiracy charges against the video store.
“Yeah, I saw her. She must have been jonesing. She pushed an elderly couple down trying to get to the freezer case. You know how those addicts can be. And she was talking to herself too. Saying stuff like “Men can lick my ass.” and something about fish food. I just tried to keep my distance.” Stated one video store employee.
“You know how those junkies are. They get a taste for the Vermont cream and they are never the same again. I hear about on the news all the time. It’s a shame, she was so young.” Said the older woman who had been pushed aside by Ms. M on her way to the freezer case.
In a statement for the press, Ms. M’s husband asked the public for understanding during this trying time. He asked that the public not be so glib as to think that hysteria could be treated with chocolate. Following Tom Cruise’s lead, he urged the public to learn more about the urban legend of hormonal fluctuations. An apparent expert after reading a Scientologist pamphlet, the woman’s husband suggested vitamins rather than chocolate to ease emotional upsets.
Ms. M’s husband was subsequently slaughtered in a futile attempt to prevent copycat killings by stocking freezer cases in the surrounding area with multi-vitamins. There are no witnesses to his murder despite the crowd of glib, arrogant women present.