Tell her what she has won, Bob!

I’m off to Cali in moments. I put together a little post to let you all know what my dear straw window of a husband will do while I’m gone. After weeks of asking, he finally spilled the beans…

He said he wanted nine hookers and a ton of cocaine. He said he thought it’d be cool if he could do some blow while, you know, doing some blow. Being the good wife that I am, I told him I thought it was a great idea, make it so. Sparky’s Advenutures thus began.

He planned ahead and ordered some cocaine. Unfortunately, it was confiscated at the border.

He’ll have to make do with Scientology Protein Powder. Sparky works hard at being glib.

He’ll need those manly muscles to sway the Slim Lady away from Olivier. He had his people call her people.

Unfortunately, Kylie is busy and not at all interested. She’s catholic, you know. Scientology isn’t really her thing. He tried to get Paris Hilton, thinking he could star in her next homemade porn. He’d already titled it in his head “That’s Hottt!!!”.

Sadly, her pimp said she was busy blowing Nick Lachey. Sparky has always wanted to be Nick Lachey.

As beggars can’t be choosers, he’ll end up with Germany’s version of Jersey girls. Jersey girls take it to the next level.

As all men know, the same nine girls get boring after a while. Men need variety. And Sparky is nothing if not a Man’s Man. He’ll end up playing those games that men play when wives are away…

Eventually, he’ll get bored with that too. I’m mean, really, I’ll be gone for 3 weeks. In that time, I expect he’ll return to his first love. The seductive mistress who was always there for him as a teenager when girls, alas, were not.

Throughout it all the fun and excitement, the protien powder and hookers, through the gay gangbangs and RPG’s, Sparky has a task, a difficult task, that will have to be kept up with while I’m away. What is that, you ask? Why…

It’s scooping the poop! This is where the real fun begins. Have fun darling man.

Back to business: My brother will be posting once in a while to give you a different perspective on our family. I’ll update sporadically. Mostly pictures of, you know, Tiffany’s and Nordstroms and the Hello Kitty store. It’s the only way I can keep Markus updated as to where all our money is going without all the screaming.

Au Revoir, les chatons! Or rather Tschüss, mein Schätze.


13 thoughts on “Tell her what she has won, Bob!

  1. Excellent blog! I give it an A+ with a Gold Star!! I’ll be creating a blog on playstation 3 soon, in the meantime if you want to review my website on ps3 game cheats, i’d really appreciate it!

  2. Wow!….your kinda being hard on Sparky there (dreads moment if Mrs Haddock starts a Blog and goes away on Holiday!).
    Have a great time in San Fran, and look forward to your stateside posts

  3. hah. so I tell my man that I may just want to take a vacation, alone. does he ask for hookers? illegal narcotics? Lube?


    “Baby, my god you can’t go….and if you do, can you please cook every meal for me and freeze it before?? So like, if you go for a week that’s exactly 14 meals.”

    I was all – thanks math genius, I caught the amount….and HELL NO.

    why can’t I have a man that wants coke, hookers and a good time…why god why.

    stay safe! and my god I’ve been swamped and I’ll reply to your email asap.

  4. @Haddock:
    You think THIS post was being hard on me? You should be privy to what’s going on in this house on a da-to-day basis and you will appreciate your own wife SOOO much more ;).

    I deciced I could do quite well without the aforementioned coke or pre-cooked meals. I might even make do without the gay, bi-racial Gangbangs. However, I did NOT make sure that Jen did NOT hide my “Ultimate Kylie”-DVD before she left… and voila, as I open the ox I encounter a sticker reading: “HAHA-now you have to find her! Oh Kylie! Oh Oh Kylie! To make a long story short, I had to follow a trail of clues through half of our close-to-200-DVD-collection to see where she had hidden the disc! The really sweet, roughly 20 other notes she had left throughout the house barely made up for my mental distress.

    Your last sentnce is what we say about “Splenda” here. I even made a little song about it, that goes roughly like this: “Splenda, Splenda, I love you Splenda… I LOVE you, Splenda!”

  5. I now have a strange compulsion to go buy the Ultimate Kylie DVD……it’s gotta be good if its really worth that much hiding/torture/mental anguish 🙂

  6. @Haddock:
    By all means, do that! We should probably put a sales link for that fantastic piece of art here onto the blog, so we can share in some of the revenues generated… in fact, I have a strange compulsion to post a coiuple of Screenshots onto this Blog over the weekend. Jen’s away, who is gonna stop me?

    Thanks for the compliments. I actually do like YOUR Blog very much, too. Although I’m more of a “non-gun-toting Libertarian” and therefore totally disagree with your views on taxation, I share MOST of your value set. Including your defense of the right to bear arms (altgough I think the NRA is way out of line).

    Plus, I find it quite naive to assume that the neocon gang of thugs around President Cheney and VP Bush (*wink, wink*) had no idea about the “faulty intelligence” – there are tons of believable reports on how they would “create evidence” and tweak CIA-reports that were not up to their ideas. Also fits with their treatment of facts unearthed by the scientific community (see Mr. Waxman’s reports or read Sientific American on this subject).

    Anywa, keep on preaching. Should be an interesting dialogue.

    – m.

  7. Sparky, careful with the politics! I wondered how long it would take before I was replaced by kylie.

    Hadoock, he has it so easy when I’m home.

    Belinda: I was up until 2 am the night before i left making him meatballs and chicken he could freeze and thaw.

    Im typing on an american keyboard after 2 years on a deutsch. It’s hard!

  8. @Haddock:
    Do NOT believe a word she’s saying! unless I’m not commenting on what she said :).

    Yes, that she did, and it was very sweet of her. I did not ASK for it though and actually specifically commanded her to go to bed instead. Which she disobeyed, typically… uppity American she is!

  9. You so asked for the meatballs. then waited until i had cleaned the kitchen to ask for the chicken. I should have added a laxitive to your meal.

  10. Just realised from the photo that you got one of those Kitty locker thinks that wraps the Cat poop up in plastic. Their really great, but only Mrs Haddock seems to know the secret of how to reload the thing in our house 🙂

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