I whore, therefore I am

I have trouble sleeping.  I go to bed around midnight and wake up around 5 am.  Everyday.  I think its left over from when I worked for the bank in SF.  I was up early to support the traders in NY.  During this time period, I was rather social and stayed out/up very late, often getting no more than a few hours of sleep.  I found that this is all I really needed. If I didn’t go out, I was still up all night.

At the time, I had a doctor who seemed to think Ambien was a miracle drug and prescribed loads of the stuff when I told him my early morning woes, late nights and insomniac tendencies.  At the time, he believed they weren’t even remotely addictive.  It’s a good thing I don’t have an addictive personality or I’d be chit chatting with Eminem in group therapy at Promises in Malibu.

Well, these days, as a lady of leisure, my late nights involve more books than bars.  I don’t need to get up early.  But I still don’t need that much sleep.  I have a ton of leftover energy by the time I hit the sheets and usually talk Sparky’s ear off.  If I really can’t sleep, I ask him to explain fusion/fission or some physics theory.  It keeps him interested enough to stay awake long enough for the subject matter to bore me into zzzz.

Last night, as I laid there, fidgeting, we worked on my German verbs.  Usually, I don’t do this with Sparky because there is not one thing I can say without a whole boatload of corrections and frankly, I’m afraid to speak as it is, without all the constructive criticism.  Earlier in the evening I had simply stopped asking him to help me with my home work because every word I spoke was not up to par.

So lying there, in the dark, to help me sleep (Sparky has no problem sleeping) Sparky gave me an English verb to which I would respond in deutsch present and past tense.  

After going through verbs such as to kill, to rot, to beat, to fight I asked for more common words like speaking and walking and running.  

“To hear”, he says.

“Horen”, I respond.

“Uh, Jen, you need to work on the umlaut.  It’s heowren.  Put…”

“God damnit Markus, stop critizing me.  This is what I’m talking about.  I got the word right. Just leave my pronunciation alone.  Jesus Christ…” Blah Blah Blah.  The rest of what I said is not important now and deny I said anything mean or defensive.

It was bedtime. I never have more energy in my day.   And I was pissed.  You can probably imagine, five minutes into the lecture he wanted to kampft, schlagt, tötet me. Ten minutes into my diatribe he quietly says, “Jen, its important with that word because you just said to whore.  I thought it might be important that you didn’t tell your teachers if you couldn’t whore them or that I never whore you.”

“Oh.” I said, about 100 decibels quieter than the last few words I had spoken.

The silence in the room was deafening, but we both whored it.  

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14 thoughts on “I whore, therefore I am

  1. Then there was the time I walked into the office and asked a secretary for a ‘Gummi’ instead of a ‘Radiergummi’ (I got my languages confused, because the Polish word is ‘gumka’). She burst out laughing and I looked at her and said, ‘Ok, what did I just say?’ and she told me. That was the last time I ever spoke German to her.

  2. a new pick up line, j. go with it.
    do you have a gummi, miss? oh i mean eraser. so sorry, my mistake…giggle giggle.

  3. interesting blog you got here 🙂 I can completly understand you, german is a f*cking hard-to-learn language. Even I can’t speak it properly.. ^^

  4. This is such a great post and one that I so can relate to. Sparky is very cool to be so patient with you.

    And I really admire that you are trying so hard and doing it with such a good sense of humour.

    Pronunciation and idioms have been a total nightmare for me here in Germany. And I think I will strangle the next person who says (in that condescending tone that Germans seem really good at), “Wie Bitte??” Especially the ones that say it repeatedly after my failed attempts at getting that bloody “ö” pronounced correctly.

  5. Am I allowed to say it gets worse, when you’ve got the grammar sorted out and then it’s a matter of putting emphasis in the right place.
    Expect lot’s of “but that is how I said it!” conversations….

  6. Hahahaha!

    For me it’s that darn u umlaut that I just can’t say right. Sounds the same as a regular old u to me…

  7. hehe your story is so fun. höhö
    But well you should not use that verb as long as you don’t know how to use the ü correctly (well it might end with strange looks! *rofl*)

    The condom thing is also hilarious. Never mind it also happens to Germans. mhm…maybe on purpose? Never thought about that… 😀

    I should try of reading something for “Physik” when I can’t sleep! *lol* It’ll definitely help!

  8. Ha ha! When you’re learning any foreign language you think you’re saying it correctly- well at least ‘good enough’. When you get that puzzled look back at you- well you just want to give up don’t you? **Sigh** Try learning Albanian or Czech!

  9. G: hopefully your german half taught you to speak properly when you were a kid so you don’t have the same problems now that your older.

    N: J teaches english. If he asked me for a gummi before he taught his class, i would think something very fishy was going on.

    PG: Sparky is very cool about my uh… sparky is a patient man.

    usually when i speak german outside the home, people respond back in english. Its very disheartening because i’m so very proud to have thought out the sentance, practiced in my head several times and eagerly awaited complete understanding from the other person. when the whole thing doesn’t work, I’m so sad. I mean really, how hard can it be to order a Fisch Mac in german.

    Neil: ARGH. I have the same problem in english. I figure if i just talk like the swedish chef from the Muppet Show, people ought to understand. That works, right?

    SB: I practice my ö with the böse möse thing. i think of slutty cows. I have no idea what words to use for practicing ü. Any suggestions?

    Chevy: I’m not annoying. You just fall asleep to early. Its like an AARP vacation. Gotta get to the early bird special before chevy falls asleep in her soup.

    Natgirl: Physik is really a good subject for bedtime stories. Some other successful subjects: differences in defense missles, car engines, or characters in role playing games.

    TO: yes and no. I just want to be understood. I just want to walk through the city and know when people are shouting at me to move because the bus is not stopping and heading right for me.

    no chech or albainian for moi. I’ll stick with this damn kraut sprach. Why ever are you in Albainia, lady? I hear its dangerous over there.

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