Big Love – Computer Style


We will be without a computer for a few days.

A few weeks ago, Sparky dropped his laptop and broke it. Kaputt. Fertig. Tot.

We’re cannibalizing his to fix my mine. I accidentally vacuumed up most of my F keys one day last year. Warning: Don’t vacuum cat hair off a laptop with a Dyson.

So for a few days, we will be without.

Without news, without blogs, without email, without The Superficial, without, without, without…

I never realized how close we were, my laptop and I. I never realized that I stroke her keys more often than I stroke my cats and that’s way more often than I stroke Sparky. I knew she was good to me, giving access to friends, family and music, but I never really “saw” how much. She’s been my primary caregiver since I moved to Germany. She’s comforted me and connected me. She even lets the cats sit on her keys without throwing too much of a fit. She is everything an expat girl could want or need.

I know it will only be for a few days, but when she comes back, Sparky and I will be sharing her. We’ll be a one-laptop family and I’m not sure if I can cope.

I mean, like, I like my bookmarks in the sidebar at all times. I like to eat honey toast and read my celeb gossip. I like to read blogs whenever I get a hankering to read blogs. I never clean out my e-mail box. Sometimes, I leave droplets of honey on my wrist rest or on my mouse. I love my mouse. She’s big and blue.

And now I’m going to have to share.

I swear that my life long insecurities started the minute my brother was born and I was forced to share my mother with a mewling infant. Am I a better person for it? Yes. Do I care? The only-children I know live carefree lives and tend to think only of their happiness. That might be nice. Only-children share because of their generous spirit not because they resentfully have to share, because it is expected. Only-children can share because they never have to give up what they want.

How about another metaphor. I’ve always been a one-on-one girl. Threesomes + have never appealed to my world order. And now that I have this type of intimacy, I’ll never go back to the willy-nilly per-hour computer relationships of the past. I know loyalty and trust. I now know commitment. I now know de-vo-tion. Try to add a third party to that mix. What do you get? Very expensive lawyers…

Understand? See you in a few days.


15 thoughts on “Big Love – Computer Style

  1. Yeah, but why is it the guy in the photo who is hugging the laptop?

    Isn’t it time to upgrade to a new one anyway?

  2. Oh, dude! Jen, my laptop died last December and I felt like my arm had been cut off. I normally don’t let the German touch my laptop and I am afraid he will break it. Crazy thing about that, the dude teachers computers for a living. Anyway, so he was able to bring Toshiba back to life. So perhaps sharing is not so bad??

    The German noticed yesterday that the first thing I do in the morning is turn on my computer and my DSL line. He said, “I am not judging you, just commenting.”

  3. Yes, yes, I understand. We have two computers in the same room and even that cramps my style. IF I had my own laptop, I wouldn’t share with ANYBODY. 🙂 Favourite phrase around our house – “You love the internet more than you love meeeeeeee!”

    Well, duh.

  4. Well, Jen… Even the star trek crew got into some serious trouble when the wanted to mess wid’ da DYSON SPHERE! Always remember that wisdom: dyson makes you die, son.

  5. Aren’t Dysons the dogs bollocks! – esily the best vacuum cleaners in the world. We actually blew one up once (it impressd the German Dyson people). But i will remember never to vacuum a keyboard with one 🙂


    Very comical writing, and yes I feel yer pain too;)

    What is a girl to do, one computer? isn’t that like only having one bathroom in a huge family?! sounds like torture to me!


  7. Jen… you really should submit your writing to a magazine somewhere! You’re a wonderful writer!

  8. Aw, Jen… I’m sorry to hear this. G’s pc broke down for a couple weeks in February and I swear, it was like looking at the photo of the faithful dog on his master’s grave. He sat beside it and sighed and moaned until payday. I offered mine but apparently to him this is something akin to asking him to share my underwear.

    You will be missed at every moment. Come back soon. 😐

  9. Now I don’t feel so weird for keeping a special fund just for new computer purchases should one of ours turn up its toes.

  10. Love the picture. He’s not as cute as the Man, but I’ve often referred to our desktop computer as the “other woman”.

    Unfortunately now he seems to have a new infatuation with my laptop. I’m not much into threesomes either!

    Hope you’re back on line soon!

  11. Mrs. Fab and I each have our own laptops. It is how we have managed to stay married for so long.

  12. ET: and pain it is. I’m just getting time to respond now, weeks later…

    Mike: It was the only picture i could find that was semi on topic.

    Claire: Its the first thing I do too. It boots up as i get my honey toast.

    Christina: I’m not sure how long this can last. I hear that marriage means compromise, but i’m not sure if this is covered under that clause.

    der Junge: The dyson is what fuels the starships, man, its all about vacuum powwa.

    Haddock: Yes, the dyson rocks. couldn’t live without it. blew it up? let me know how so i can avoid it.

    Kim: It is exactly like sharing a bathroom with a large family. I have to continually do the pee pee dance waiting for my turn. It sucks.

    Traveller One: Wow. Thank you. Did my aunt pay you to say that?

    Lisa: If the choice comes up, share underwear.

    Dixie: You are a smart woman. I wish we had started that fund.

    Library lady: Sparky bought me this laptop so he didn’t have to share his and now that i have it, he is definately the interloper. Its like one of those guys at a party who really wants to see two girls kiss and then wants to join in. We are not interested!!

    Mr. Fab: We should let dr. Phil and Oprah know. its really a good tip.

    TO and Clair: I’m back now.

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