Rabbit holes and big girl underpants

I fell down the rabbit hole, but I’ve finally put on my big girl underpants and re-joined the world.

I’d like to blame it on expatitis. When my head hurts too much to think in German, speak in German, to deal with the KAKs (Krazy-Ass Krauts), and too much is finally too much and my overload button gets pushed over and over like I’m a slow elevator. Then Sleep takes a hike and insomnia stops by for a chat and like a nosey neighbor overstays his welcome as if he were ever actually invited in for tea. But then Insomnia becomes my best friend because he’s quieter than dream-filled Sleep.

One of the reasons I knew Sparky might be the guy for me was because when he was around I could sleep, heavy, dreamless, deep. This was when my choice of self-medication was constant movement. Work early, stay out late, never stop, never stop, never stop.

Truthfully, its more likely just slightly fucked up brain chemistry mixed with a bit of hormonal imbalances. Thank god my Dad’s genes diluted my mom’s genetic mess. Thanks Mom for marrying outside the family tree (this is not necessarily a given on that side of the family).

I dropped Sparky off at the train this morning at 6:30. He’s been working like a madman lately. He left me the laptop and today is the first time I’ve touched it in ages. This sharing thing is getting really old, really fast. I think there might be a new laptop in our future.

After the drop off, I headed to the gym for the first time in weeks. Alone and without coercion. I was there before the place opened and stood outside waiting with 20 other people who looked liked they do this regularly. I had ample opportunity to turn tail and head on home, but those big girl pants, man, they make you do big girl things like take control again. I know, exercise is supposed to make you feel better, helps fight depression yada yada yada, but getting out the door seems to be my problem.

So, with this newfound energy, I will be returning comments and e-mails all day without sharing the comp and without interruption. This is good because I have a lot of google da Vinci code quests to catch up on. And celeb gossip. I wonder what that man lovin’ Tom Cruise is up to these days.


9 thoughts on “Rabbit holes and big girl underpants

  1. in my first 1.5 years here I had that problem- the getting out the door issue. Granted, I’m one of THE laziest people on the planet but I think I must have broken some kind of “staying inside 24/7” records.

    Whether or not I wanted to admit it to myself I think I was dealing with being homesick. I love it here you know, but I had my days where I was like..what the FUCK are these people around me talking about. I opted therefore to stay inside and chat with my sister, old friends and anyone else who wasn’t German.

    This year I was like, ok Belinda you’re going to have to kick your ass into gear because looking pale and tired was SO 80s goth.

    Anyway, just wanted to throw this out there….no clue why. I’m glad you’re feeling motivated lately. One of the only things that keeps me going to the gym is the fact that they take money from me every month 😐

  2. Yes, I totally get the staying inside thing when the KAKs get to be too much. Weird thing though – as soon as I start exercising say three or four times a week, I immediately get sick. My mind feels better but my body rebels. Go figure.

    All I know about ol’ Tom is that he didn’t eat the placenta after all.

    And yes, you NEED another lap top! We thought you had escaped.

  3. I love your stories, you are soo creative, can I have just one little ounce of that?? I know keep dreaming:) btw. thank you for the side bar, i love..and a frog….pooped:) I was like. :O what?? hahaha

    great post, I’ll be back to check all day, you always get such fun comments:)

    It’s my day off too, and insomnia raised its ugly head at me last night, I posted that at 3am..*yaaaaawn* so I may be catnapping today a bit!


  4. Hellllllloooo,

    I’m a Californian living in New York who is dating a German who lives in Duesseldorf…He wants me to move there.

    Duesseldorf is a little like Pittsburg…I had culture shock moving to New York…I can only imagine the culture shock I would have moving to a place that is as fun as Pittsburg but everyone is speaking german…A new twilight zone episode?!?!?

    Love your posts.


  5. Glad to see you’re back, honey.

    Verdiblonde, I’ve visited Duesseldorf and think it’s lovely.

  6. Welcome back! Can’t you do something nice for Sparky and get a new laptop out of it????
    I started going to the gym a few weeks ago and couldn’t agree with you more about just getting out the door. I think of so many excuses not to go, but as soon as I’m out the door I am happily on my way and loving it!
    (hey my word verification is so cool– icedry!)

  7. I get stuck inside more or less against my will most of the time but even when the opportunity to get out presents itself I don’t always take advantage of it. Blame inertia. Or Gilmore Girls DVDs.

    I have to say that once we moved to the center of the city I became much more motivated to get out.

  8. Good for you, putting on your big girl pants. That is the Jennifer I know, and remember a rule i live by, if anyone gives you any shit, drop kick ’em in the neck.

  9. Been there, done that, but it was in Saudi Arabia … at least you can go downtown and get a beer in this part of the world. And go dancing for that matter.

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