Locker Rooms and Starfish

How have I gotten to the age of 33 without hearing the term “Squish Mitten“? Thank you, Bloodhound Gang. I would have linked, but the definition there is just over the top. I’m sure you can figure it out.

Now, on a totally different topic, go say Happy Birthday to Hamish. He said nothing about his birthday on Sat when we were drinking to J in Koblenz. For that, he will certainly get a “Hamish Fagerstrom, I know you’re in there!” early one Sunday morning when he’s not off globetrotting. It’s best if I don’t know exactly where you live.

Sparky is working like crazy and I have the comp for exactly twenty minutes as he takes a potty break.

I’m on a five days a week workout schedule and I have to say, it is really killing me. Sparky keeps telling me that working out is good for you, but he has yet to prove that point.

Today, these two very slender, very cute Asian chicks snagged the shower stalls. If you don’t snag these stalls, it’s the women’s prison showers for you. I work out early specifically so I can get a shower stall. The shower part of the work out is the carrot to the leg lift/treadmill stick.

I was tearing off my sweaty clothes trying to get to the shower before them. It was all slow motion. I couldn’t get my shirt over my head fast enough as the girls walked calmly towards the stalls. I tripped over my flip-flops and dropped my towel, but they got there first, damn twigs.

These two girls I’m sure were not aware of the rules or they would have left one stall for me. Shower stalls are reserved for women who have something they don’t want to share with the rest of the population and my name is on the top of that list. Slender Asian chicks with skin like lotus blossoms and charming giggles do NOT fall into this category.

I was about to show these two ladies exactly how similar the Fitness Company shower room is to a women’s prison when one of them left. I don’t know why we bothered. I was still sweaty when I left and the girls smelled like mothballs.

In other locker room news, one of the Trainers came out of the showers around the same time I did. I was nervous because I totally shave my legs there and you’re really not supposed to do that (another reason for the privacy afforded by the shower stall). I don’t know why, but I was slightly worried she might see the small nick on the back of my knee and call the shower police to examine my shower bag. She would find not one, but two razors (a backup) and throw me out. Only the guilty spend so much time worrying about such small details. And I had no idea when I walked out of the shower with my Japanese flag on the back of my knee that before the morning was over, Miss Trainer and I would become so familiar.

I’m not too modest a person. Bodies are bodies and I’ve spent enough time examining my own for flaws that I can make myself feel better in 2 seconds by picking out the flaws in others. The point being, I keep my towel wrapped as I do my toilette and if others want to be naked, I really don’t have a problem.

Except when you blow your hair dry. Especially if you WORK there.

There I was minding my own business, bent over with the dryer all up in my roots. I was clothed and even had my shoes on. I swung up during the final cold shot moment (I need the extra volume) only to be greeted by the 2006 Miss Buckeye.

The woman did not have enough flesh on her ass to hide anything. Oh and I do mean anything. I looked around to see if there was a video shoot that I might have inadvertently walked into, but no. It was just me, the Asian chicks and the porn star.

My second thought was that I must be getting old, because that was just over the top. I’ve seen a number of chocolate starfishes and I have to say, the circumstances were very different. Even when the word casual could be connected with such a sighting, it was never quite like this.

So I kinda don’t know where we stand now. Do I just pretend it never happened? Do I smile and act casual? Am I expected to buy her a drink? More importantly, will she still validate my parking?

Sparky seems to think that you might not realize that I saw this woman’s ass hole, her chocolate starfish. So lt me clarify. I saw it all, people, i saw it all.


14 thoughts on “Locker Rooms and Starfish

  1. Oh poor Jen. That’s horrible. For real. Ew. She could have given you some warning. And man, those suckers over there on the side? That’s a gross visual to go with the story, girlfriend. LOL

  2. I should be ashamed that I didn’t need to look up the definitions of either slang term.

    Personally I think you’ve found the perfect reason to build an in-home gym.

  3. Wow, a shower, two hot asians, and a psuedo porn star. Care to share your luck with those of us who’d welcome it?

  4. I’ve never heard of chocolate starfish before. Pausing to think about that…ew, gross.

  5. I canNOT imagine having so little buttock tissue my asshole hangs out, and even more, canNOT imagine being so okay with that I take my clothes off in public. That is so bizarre and out of the scope of everything that is good and pure in this world, it’s just… so utterly wrong. Wrong! Please tell me she was 98 years old and make me feel better? And kittens. I desperately need pictures of puppies and kittens to take my mind off it…

  6. Remind me never to read your blog before I got to bed. I know I won’t be able to sleep now with that lovely image in my head. And I think dear Sparky has underestimated your esteemed readers if he thinks we needed an explanation. Bleh.

  7. Thanks again for coming up on Sat 🙂

    Q: Why don’t you just wait til you get home to shower?

  8. she has to wipe every drop of water off of her own shower so the marble doesn’t etch and the glass doen’t have watermarks. Showing at the jim removes the hastle

  9. Hilarious. Assure your fella that although I learned a new word today, the meaning was clear from the Buckeye…

  10. LOL! I have to admit that I am glad you put in the update. I was not sure what the “chocolate starfish” was!

  11. Nuala: Yes and you know what? She did it again yesterday.

    Dixie: In house gym is 2 years out. believe me, I’m all for it.

    It’s Me: Glad to pass it on, friend. I just used it in reference to my brother. It was great!

    Romerican: Didn’t see it from that perspective. huh. sure. anytime your in the neighborhood, feel free to check out the Fit Com ladies locker room. I must warn you though, a lot of ladies do not use deodorant or such products. it can sometimes smell like a wharf. not so sexy, i can assure you.

    J: thanks for organizing. it was a ton of fun. Like miranda says, to shower at home i need to clean it. and not just clean it, but sparky clean it and that gets muy tiring. also, i sweat like a rain forest. I tried just going home, but i never got that clean refreshed feeling that is really the only purpose for going.
    Heza: I know. I feel the same way.

    Lisa: I KNOW!! She’s not. She’s like late 20s. however, she does have a very flat butt. more of a thubutt.

    Chrisitna: Upon reflection, i think sparky just wanted me to write out asshole. he can be like that you know. sorry. I’ll warn you next time.

    J: thanks for organizing. it was a ton of fun. Like miranda says, to shower at home i need to clean it. and not just clean it, but sparky clean it and that gets muy tiring. also, i sweat like a rain forest. I tried just going home, but i never got that clean refreshed feeling that is really the only purpose for going.

    Mim: I love you sweetie, but spell check.

    Megan: Yeah, i figured the Kraut wouldn’t know buckeye, but most americans would.

    Claire: Sparky feels justified now. he thanks you!

  12. There was an Australian episode of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” where the host was talking to a contestant before beginning the game.

    Host: I hear you own a race horse. What’s it called?
    Contestant: Chocolate starfish.
    Host: Is that the name of a band or something? <1 second pause> Okay, moving on.


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