No Chance In Hell

It’s a game show. I’m sitting in a chair and the host is across from me.

“So Jennifer, you are from the San Francisco Bay Area. You worked in the financial district for a securities firm. You consider yourself a bona fide city girl. You claim that marriage is not a priority, as you like to play the field. You prefer your men big and stupid. Your drink of choice is vodka on the rocks with a Marlboro Light or a triple espresso with a Marlboro Light. Your idea of a perfect day is a hard day at the office followed by a late night barhopping. You consider more than four hours sleep per night a waste of time. Are you ready to play “Not a Chance in Hell”?

“Yes, Bob, I am. I’m a girl who knows what she wants and how to get there. I have goals, Bob, and not much gets in my way. I’m pretty sure I’m going to clean up here.”

“Okay, for all you viewers at home, let’s recap. We are going to give Jennifer three scenarios of her future in three years. Jennifer will pick the future she deems least likely. After she chooses, we’ll use our superscope and find out, what exactly the future has in store for our contestant. If Jennifer’s choice is the least likely, she will win One Million Dollars. If her choice is somewhat likely, she will win $250,000 dollars. If her choice is actually her future, she wins a whirl in our “Machine of Future Forgetfulness”** to ensure that this future Jennifer is safe.”

“Jennifer, are you ready?”

“Yes, Bob. I’m ready.”

“Okay, here we go…Scenario One.”

On the screen, Jennifer is sitting alone in a dark office. She’s wearing headphones to help her concentrate as she types furiously at a keyboard. The phone rings. It’s her daughter’s nanny wondering when she’s coming home. A glance at the clock shows its 9:30 pm and the nanny wants to go home. Jennifer closes down her computer and heads back to the modest home she purchased right after her daughter was conceived via the sperm bank. Jennifer wanted a smart kid and the men she had been dating were not that bright. Jennifer enters the house, tired and worn from the long day, pets her cat Cleo and kisses her daughter’s sleeping head.

“So Jennifer, do you find this scenario likely?”

“Yes, Bob. I can see that happening. My employer has really good benefits for children. I can imagine that.”

“Okay, let’s move on to Scenario Two.”

On the screen, Jennifer is sitting alone in a dark office. She’s wearing headphones to help her concentrate as she types furiously at a keyboard. The phone rings. It’s a co-worker at a nearby bar. She says the place is swarming with hot guys and the drinks are flowing. Jennifer closes down her computer, retouches her make-up and fluffs her hair. In the elevator she unbuttons one more button on her blouse. Later, after a few drinks and a lot of pointless conversation, she drives to the modest home she purchased when her last stock options split. Jennifer enters the dark house, tired and worn from the long day, pets her cat Cleo and takes off her stockings and heels in the hallway.

“So, Jennifer, is this scenario likely or not?”

“More likely than the first, Bob, but it’s close. I can definitely see that happening. Its really no different from my present, except that I own my own home and that has always been a priority for me.”

“Okay, then. Let’s move on to Scenario Three.”

On the screen, Jennifer is in bed next to a snoring man. She seems to be tossing and turning. In the background there is a loud bark/honking noise. This noise repeats over and over again in different levels and seemingly by different individuals. It’s the sound of deer in mating season. Surprisingly, Jennifer seems familiar with the noise, enough to know what it is and be annoyed by the fact the deer are getting more action this week than she is. The clock reads 3 am. The alarm is set for 8 am. A Post-It on the clock reads “Breakfast with Tatiana @ 9am.” The platinum band on her left hand indicates she’s married. On the side of the bed is a book of German verbs and a German newspaper. She gets up, as the deer do not seem to be tiring, and looks out the window to see fields and forest. She walks down the dark hallway to the living room. Its big and spacious and so very clean that even in the moonlight you can see the polish and shine. She curls up on the sofa with a book and turns on a small lamp. Her cat Cleo jumps up on to her lap and the two of them cuddle until the sky turns gray with the morning light.

“Jennifer, you have seen three possible futures. Which one do you think is the least likely of happening, which is the “No Chance in Hell” future? Remember this is for One Million Dollars.”

“Bob. This is really easy. The No Chance in Hell future is the one with the nymphomaniac deer. One, I didn’t know deer made noise, ever. Two, I would never live where I could hear deer, even if they do make noise. Three, I did not see a diamond on that ring finger and I would never marry without a diamond. Four, the house was super clean and anyone who knows me, knows that I’m not filthy, but I hate to dust and polish. Five, it was implied that I was intending to sleep for far more than four hours. Six, the note said breakfast with some girl. I never eat breakfast and 9 am is midday for me. I wouldn’t have time. Bob, Scenario Three is so outrageous, I can’t believe your writers put it in there.” Laughter and mirth sprinkle the audience.

“Is that your final decision, Jennifer? Are you so sure of your future that you could not imagine yourself in Scenario Three?”

“Yes, Bob. I’m sure.” She says smugly.

“Harold, tell Jennifer what she has won.”

“Well, Bob, Jennifer’s future is not what she thinks it is. It IS Scenario Three. In the near future she leaves her job at the Securities firm, moves to Germany, marries a German and lives in a house that is not only pristinely clean, but also in the middle of a forest. She gets stuck behind tractors and slows for chickens as well as waking to fornicating deer in the night. Jennifer trades in her vodka on the rocks and Marlborough’s for three-hour workouts at the gym and protein shakes. Her husband bought a loft for them as opposed to a diamond and HE does the dusting and polishing. Because Jennifer no longer has to work, she has time to sleep seven to eight hours a night and her body thanks her for it. As does her cat Cleo who still takes her pillow in the night. Jennifer now has time for coffee dates at small, quiet neighborhood cafés with her girlfriend. Jennifer learns to cook and speak German.

Bob, Jennifer has won a ride in our Machine of Future Forgetfulness…


The whole point of this post is the fornicating deer. I think they were making deer porn last night because it was just ridiculous. It was at that point that if they had been human you would have pounded on the wall and told them to give it a rest already. The porn part is because I heard at least four different honks from different parts of the forest.

These deer were going for some sort of record and it was KILLING me. Even the cats started to put their little heads under pillows. That’s how loud these guys were.

I’ve lived in a dorm. I’ve lived with slutty girls. I WAS a slutty girl. I’ve lived in apartments with tissue paper for walls; I’ve lived with guys. I have never been woken in the night by anyone human to the same effect as these deer.

Who would have thunk?

**If you’ve ever watched Charmed, you’ll understand that you need to forget the future if you’ve seen it to make sure you don’t alter stuff that would lead to a different future UNLESS you need to alter the present to save to world from total destruction or save a sister from dying by the demon Shax. This is also true if you travel to into the future.


17 thoughts on “No Chance In Hell

  1. HAAHAAAHAAAA! I KNEW I shouldn’t have started reading this with my mouth full of coffee.

    I think I need to borrow that machine when you’re finished with it. If someone had come up to me when I was 22 and said “THIS is your future!” I would have said “Nahhhhh!” But here I am. *bangs head on desk, spilling remaining coffee everywhere*

  2. I hope you’re not sad because [Galadriel voice=”on”] THIS IS THE FUTURE THAT HAS COME TO PASS” [Galadriel voice=”off”]

  3. If course she didn’t mean you, Sparky, she meant the copulating deer all over the place. 🙂

  4. Jennifer, I don’t think anyone in your family would have guessed this for your future a few years ago, though, if Dirk “the Deer” Diggler is your worst problem, I think your time in Germany has done you well, and we are all proud of you, BUT STAY THE HELL OUT OF SWEDEN!!

  5. Jennifer, we were probably rubbing elbows or talking shit about one another’s friends in some of the same bars way back when. Now you’ve got deer porn and I have crazy old men walking cats down the street at all hours.

    Ze German men, ze are zhat gut, na?

  6. Sounds like future number 3 is good. but you are right. the deer have got to go!! i remember something in the vows about through richer and poorer, but not through sleepless nights because of fornicating deer.

    PS Where did you get the picture of the sign?

  7. sparky dusts and cleans?? WOW

    what no sound bites? I never knew deer made noises either!

    ahhh, the things you learn on the internet!

  8. Can you not hunt the fuzzy woodland creatures thereby turning them into lean red mouthfuls of tasty goodness? Local Bauhaus no sell deer traps? Sprinkle a little Saltpeter on the salt lick?

    (you like your men big and dumb? wracking up them points for a free attitude adjustment ala “Thor” aren’t we? 😀 better watch out or I know what someone is getting for Christmas!)

  9. I guess your life is an example of “never say never.” Thanks for a good laugh – I love the sign. Every college kid in American would love to be able to steal a sign like that for their college dorm room.

  10. Since you’re up anyway you should record the deer and market some sort of ‘deers gone wild’ video. In texas alone you’d make a killing.

  11. hi…found your site through expats…I just moved to Germany 10 months ago and thank god I’ve never been awoken from the stark shrills of deer porn.

    Sorry I’m laughing now, hehe.

  12. You so crazy…the only animals I hear having sex is cats..they are incredibly loud and their sex seems to be the end of their lives…CRAZY noises from those cute, furry creatures….Loved the post. Your posts usually crack me up! Hello to Sparky….maybe he can come to Duesseldorf and clean up our apartment. 🙂

  13. excellent post, jen. i think we can all relate. who would have thought i’d be a mom of 3 (stepson counts)- not me! the woman who never wanted kids!!! funny how life brings you face to face with things you didn’t think you could handle. but i think you’re handling it all very well. perhaps you can practice your vocalization skills…out do those deer 🙂

  14. (Three Monty Python characters storm in dressed in red as three Catholic Cardinals) … Nobody expects future number three!

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