I told Jen I’d give her 1000 words on why the Italian Diving Team sucks, but I’m bailing for two reasons: 1) DJ Gallo is way funnier than me , and 2) 1000 words aren’t nearly enough.
I’d still like to do something World Cup related for her, so I’m here to review some of the music from the games. Without links to the actual songs, which I’m too lazy to dig up, this entry is probably more useless than a Mensa application for Britney Spears. But word is bond, son. Word is bond. Without further ado* –
“Football’s Coming Home” – by Three Lions
This song makes me think of a bunch of fat British guys with their shirts off doing leg kicks in a Rockettes line. I’m not sure if I’ve ever witnessed that event live, but it could very well be that I blocked it from memory. I’m sure the Brits couldn’t be happier that the world has chosen to adopt this song, thereby tainting England’s boast of being the home of football. It could be worse, though. The song could be about penalty kicks.
“Hips Don’t Lie” – by Shakira
Did you ever notice that Shakira sounds deaf when she sings? Nothing against deaf people, but next time you hear one of her songs, think about it. Also, I’m tired of Shakira making overtly sexual references then claiming she didn’t mean it in that way. You get a free pass once, but after your twelfth English album, you can no longer plead innocence. What’s next, a song called “Strip Me Naked and Do Me From Behind,” that’s supposedly about overcoming shyness? To paraphrase the great Dave Chapelle, “you may not be a ho, but you’re wearing the uniform.”
We’re German” – sung to the tune of “We’re Jammin” by Bob Marley
I can’t get this song out of my head. I’m walking around Frankfurt singing “We’re German, we’re German, we’re German, we’re German, we’re German, we’re German, we’re German, we’re German… and I hope you like Germans too.” I’m sure nothing would please Marley more.
“Ten German Bombers”
This one is sort of like 99 bottles of beer, except instead of taking one down and passing it around, they are getting shot down by the RAF (Royal Air Force). The Germans counter with aggressive flag-waving, although I think they lose on this one (again).
“Wish You Were English” – sung to the tune of “Guantamera”
Continuing on the theme of quiet humility.
“Ein Miro Klose” – also sung to the tune of “Guantamera”
Miroslav Klose, star of the German team and leading goal-scorer in the World Cup, is a Fussball Gott, according to another song I heard. He’s also Polish.
“Love Generation” – by Bob Sinclair
This song must have been played at least once every 15 minutes during the entire month of June. In case you don’t know it by name (consider yourself lucky), it’s that song with all the whistling. I’m nothing if not a master of description.
“You All Live in a Convict Colony” – sung to the tune of “Yellow Submarine” by The Beatles
Aimed at Australians. I never actually heard this one being sung, but my brother told me about it and I thought it was mildly amusing.
“Oleeee, ole, ole, oleeeee… USAAAA, USAAAA” – by Hamish
I made this one up, but I’m hoping it’ll catch on by the next world cup. I’m also copyrighting it, so don’t get any ideas.
You may have noticed this list is dominated by English and German songs, mostly because I can understand little else. That’s unfortunate because the Ukrainian songs are awesome, and I assume they all translate (roughly) to: The Ukraine is STRONG!
-Hamish, head writer and lead singer of Hamishblog.com
*That may be the first time “Word is bond” was followed by “Without further ado.” I keeps it gangsta.