Okay, Okay…. Leave it to a little brother to know how to get me out of my retreat. Jeez Louize. Bringing up all sorts of shit, Jeffrey. Fine, I’m back. Put all the skeletons back into the walk-in closet before they get a mind to unionize.
So, I’ve been gone. Last you heard of me, I was off to see the wizard and I did. He and his camera crew made sure I was healthy from top to bottom and I’m not just using a term of phrase when I say bottom. I had cameras everywhere. It was like the damn paparazzi. Sparky was there, literally in the same room. He played “I Spy” with my doctors while I was out cold with a camera down my throat and up my ass. And sadly, German doctors do not print out pictures of colonoscopies or you all would be getting a nice picture of a very pink and healthy colon.
The wizard was very nice, as was Oz. Magic was performed and even without my ruby slippers I arrived home a day early and in decent shape. I am minus a gall bladder and some other stuff. I have recovered enough to start working out again and resuming normal activities (well those that don’t involve Ben & Jerry, my favorite ménages a trois partners). My previous limited caloric intake and cardio push was to prepare for this and not some anorexic plea for help. It was all part of the bigger picture.
I did have a Nurse Helga. For real. Her name was Helga and she was very scary in that Nurse Helga sort of way. While nervously waiting for the orderly to come and take me away for surgery, she told us about her dead husband and how he was buried in the same tuxedo in which he was married. Totally creeped me out.
Now before the tabloids get any funny ideas about me and Star Jones having more in common than a gay husband, let me just tell you, no need to guess: The vast amount of weight loss is due to… drug use. Drug addiction seems to be so very glamorous.
And who could be more glamorous than the diva herself, Whitney Houston.
However, Jeff is wrong. It’s not crack. Crack is so common and you have to smoke it and I quit smoking a while ago. No, no, it’s not crack. I do like the heroin chic look. Kate Moss hasn’t done so badly since those sick days of Calvin. So I tried heroin, but I just don’t have the veins to shoot up, really and needles, yikes! So, just like Lindsay, Kate lead me to cocaine. It’s up to the coke to make me into a skinny bitch. After all, it seems to work for Lindsay and I saw Less than Zero. It looked like so much fun. Well, until the end, but I’ll stop before it gets to that point. I’m totally in control!
That is the story and I’m sticking to it.
In my recovery, I’ve done nothing but work out, drink lots of water, read celebrity gossip and obsess. I’ve had a rather one track mind which is really boring to EVERYONE except me and I certainly did not want to bore you with it.
Now, since the weather is all nice and cool and I have no desire to go outside and play, I will spend the rest of the day on this glamorous machine. Well, I will after I spend my daily three hours at the fucking gym. I still hate that place, but it seems to be my home away from home these days.
And Jeff, I suggest you spend a little more time in the gym because when I get back to SF in December I am so going to kick your ass.