Did you hear? I think she has a drug problem, but man, is she skinny.

Okay, Okay…. Leave it to a little brother to know how to get me out of my retreat. Jeez Louize. Bringing up all sorts of shit, Jeffrey. Fine, I’m back. Put all the skeletons back into the walk-in closet before they get a mind to unionize.

So, I’ve been gone. Last you heard of me, I was off to see the wizard and I did. He and his camera crew made sure I was healthy from top to bottom and I’m not just using a term of phrase when I say bottom. I had cameras everywhere. It was like the damn paparazzi. Sparky was there, literally in the same room. He played “I Spy” with my doctors while I was out cold with a camera down my throat and up my ass. And sadly, German doctors do not print out pictures of colonoscopies or you all would be getting a nice picture of a very pink and healthy colon.

The wizard was very nice, as was Oz. Magic was performed and even without my ruby slippers I arrived home a day early and in decent shape. I am minus a gall bladder and some other stuff. I have recovered enough to start working out again and resuming normal activities (well those that don’t involve Ben & Jerry, my favorite ménages a trois partners). My previous limited caloric intake and cardio push was to prepare for this and not some anorexic plea for help. It was all part of the bigger picture.

I did have a Nurse Helga. For real. Her name was Helga and she was very scary in that Nurse Helga sort of way. While nervously waiting for the orderly to come and take me away for surgery, she told us about her dead husband and how he was buried in the same tuxedo in which he was married. Totally creeped me out.

Now before the tabloids get any funny ideas about me and Star Jones having more in common than a gay husband, let me just tell you, no need to guess: The vast amount of weight loss is due to… drug use. Drug addiction seems to be so very glamorous.

And who could be more glamorous than the diva herself, Whitney Houston.

However, Jeff is wrong. It’s not crack. Crack is so common and you have to smoke it and I quit smoking a while ago. No, no, it’s not crack. I do like the heroin chic look. Kate Moss hasn’t done so badly since those sick days of Calvin. So I tried heroin, but I just don’t have the veins to shoot up, really and needles, yikes! So, just like Lindsay, Kate lead me to cocaine. It’s up to the coke to make me into a skinny bitch. After all, it seems to work for Lindsay and I saw Less than Zero. It looked like so much fun. Well, until the end, but I’ll stop before it gets to that point. I’m totally in control!

That is the story and I’m sticking to it.

In my recovery, I’ve done nothing but work out, drink lots of water, read celebrity gossip and obsess. I’ve had a rather one track mind which is really boring to EVERYONE except me and I certainly did not want to bore you with it.

Now, since the weather is all nice and cool and I have no desire to go outside and play, I will spend the rest of the day on this glamorous machine. Well, I will after I spend my daily three hours at the fucking gym. I still hate that place, but it seems to be my home away from home these days.

And Jeff, I suggest you spend a little more time in the gym because when I get back to SF in December I am so going to kick your ass.

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7 thoughts on “Did you hear? I think she has a drug problem, but man, is she skinny.

  1. Welcome back, Jen! I am so glad things went well for you and I bet Sparky is thrilled to have you back as your own self. Giant hugs to both of you.

  2. Whoa! I thought it was hard to get that sort of surgery in Germany! I’m impressed!

    I’m glad you’re back!

  3. Aaaaaahhh, like that first cigarette after an 11 hour flight, the shakes are going away. I finaly got my hotshit hit. Glad to see everything is good with you. There where a LOT of people that missed you, I hope you erally looked at the people that left you messages on that last blog, there are some old “friends” there. And even if you can kick my ass, I’m still a better shot. You can run, but you’ll just die tired.
    -love jefe

  4. I guess your withdrawl is finally letting up. I love you and am glad to see you writing again. Oh and Jeffer refering to yourself as chief is so lame.

  5. C: Thanks. Sparky is happy. Happy to have me home doing the laundry. And working out. Now he has an excuse to hit the gym 6 times a week and I can’t even complain.

    Dixie: It is hard, but not impossible and I’m like a pitbull when I want something. It took a year to get approval. Germany has one of the worlds top three surgeons for this surgery.

    Jeff: Stop smoking, its really bad for your health. I will promise to write every day if you stop smoking. I might be the primary kidney carrier, but we all need a back up and you are it, honey child. And those old friends… nice jeff. I admire your ingenuity. Sid? I had no idea SID read the blog and the truckers Union? I thought they had moved on. I know I’m awesome, but come on, those guys have short attention spans.

    Mim: thanks for the encouragement, sweetness. I needed a bit of a push. love you too.

  6. I’ll just be doing my “Go Jen” cheer over here. I’m so glad to see you back and blogging. I’ve missed you!

  7. hey jen…it’s good to have you back. i’m glad that you’re doing fine. keep it going lady! 😉

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