A Clockwork Orange approach to Cardio Training


So, you all know where I am spending my days. On the treadmill. At my gym, like most gyms, there are like ten TVs in a row so you can watch/listen to just about anything to help distract you from the pain cardio equipment inflicts. I usually do the MTV/VIVA thing and mix in my MP3 player when both are on an ad break.

I was doing my thing, walking faster and harder and at a steeper incline (because the flipside to losing weight is that you don’t burn as many calories as you did when you were a bigger, less fit person and I have to say, I find this totally unfair). I was listening/watching MTV when on a nearby set this show called ClipMix came on. I wasn’t listening to it, just watching occasionally.

Bullet for my Valentine was blasting in through my ear canals when on ClipMix this man dressed in white, complete with white hat with ears, is shown crawling across a prairie. He seemed to be calling prairie dogs using this white tail-like thing. And the prairie dogs were responding. Three or four stood up to see what he was up to, looking at each other for more input.

I started to think about some study I read about how prairie dogs have a language that this group was studying and how they hoped to use that to study other animal languages. My mind wandered to how smart they must be and how they look so smart and regal standing up the way they were. Like a cuddly favorite uncle or grandfather.

On the TVs the guy was crawling closer and closer and Bullet was screaming about tears and guilt. I was in a good forget-I’m-in pain-zone. The man crawling was about 20 feet from these cute little prairie dogs when he pulled out a bullet, stuck in a .22 rifle you couldn’t see because he was crawling through prairie grass and prepared to shoot.

WTF?

I wasn’t listening to the program, granted, but unless these little guys were wanted for serial murder, I can’t imagine why there would be a program about a guy dressed as a white prairie dog crawling around the prairie shooting unsuspecting prairie dogs. I was horrified and there was nowhere I could go. I was on a god-damned treadmill with 38 minutes left. I felt like Alex in A Clockwork Orange, stuck watching the horrible violence that was about to befall those cute little guys when they cut back to the smiling pair of show hosts. I never saw the actual shooting, but it was implied and tears actually sprang to my eyes.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I am a total and complete wuss when it comes to animals. There is a whole Blue Planet disc I can’t watch because of some really mean Orcas. It’s that whole karma thing. As kids, my siblings and I were pretty callous when it came to animals. Now I’m hypersenstive.


So that being said, I was stuck on a treadmill with the prairie dog killer right there next to my MTV. After the ad break Clip Mix switched to kangaroos and koala bears. Much more my speed. The baby koalas were clutching stuffed animals and being very cute and koala like. Little kids were encouraged to pet and hold the koala holding the stuffed animal. It was all very sweet and cuddly. And foolishly, I let down my guard. Koalas do that to a person.

As soon as the koalas left the screen, camel racing stepped up. Then camel fighting. With the owners kicking and punching the camels. Then it switched to sharks and tortoises locked up in rudimentary pens on beaches for tourists to play with and pick up and take photos holding. That it segued into this shark chasing pitbull. He would jump off a small boat and chase the small sharks up to the beach then tear them open and eat parts of it. And I couldn’t look away.

The worst part was that Ghetto Blaster in the Sky**. MTV seemed to play songs that were horrifyingly appropriate.

Bullet for my Valentine – Tears Crash – Prairie dog death by rifle
Katie Medula – Nine Million Bicycles – Koalas and stuffed animals, including little kids
Linkin Park – Numb – Camel fights
Eminem –some new song I don’t know yet, but the lyrics were appropriate – Tortoise torture
Robbie Williams – Come undone – Pit bull/shark attack

I was so engrossed in this drama, I didn’t notice that I was on my cool down, my hour and some was done. I didn’t even notice when Sparky walked up to me and tapped my shoulder. As my adrenaline spiked, I screamed, tripped and almost fell of the damn machine.

Seriously, I have never had such a complete cardio workout. I think I need to go watch some Gilmore Girls.

**The GBitS is the soundtrack to our lives. Like having a relationship discussion with the radio playing and all the songs that are played have some sort of connection to your relationship. Or breaking up with someone and “your” song comes on. That sort of thing. GBitS is operated by Ironus, the god of Irony, and his minions.

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3 thoughts on “A Clockwork Orange approach to Cardio Training

  1. Damn, you must have been on that thing for a while. Too bad you missed the stagg, calmly drinking from the water hole when the aligator comes out of no where and grabs him by the head and pulls him down to his death. That is a favorite of mine. And by the way, I thought Ironus was a she.

  2. nope, ironus is a male. Female gods have a better sense of justice.

    I don’t watch deers drinking. EVER. when deer come on, i switch channels. Scarred by bambi.

    doesn’t that mama koaa look like woody allen?

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