The Loss of Weight Loss

I have no pants.

I’ve developed a new stride that Sparky calls the “Shuffle ‘n Pull”. The shuffle and pull is the only way I have of not exposing my ass as my pants fall down when I walk. Shuffle a little, pull a lot. Shuffle a little, pull a lot. I feel like a goddamned rap star. I have to choose my panties carefully in the morning as, inevitably, they will be on show at some point in the day.

Last winter I had no pants because nothing fit in the opposite direction and I froze in my summer weight cropped pants. Now? Well, I don’t want to buy anything until I go home at Christmas.

Skirts? Nope. It used to be that my hips kept everything up, but they’ve shrunk so everything falls down. The tights I have bag at my ankles and knees. Its really, really attractive.

I have no boobs. What was triple is now singular and not even of the same letter. The one area of my bod I was perfectly happy with has vanished into the night. Sadly, I now know why people use push-up bras. Scrunchy, the Hurray-for-Boobies-cat mourns the loss of his favorite pillow.

I can however, wear my knee boots. The boots I bought a year ago and couldn’t wear because my calves were too fat (“Bobbie Christina, You’re too Fat to wear that Hat!”). I’m not sure if boots and panties are really the look I’m going for, though, especially with the estrogen patch sticky stuff on my hip. (I have no hormones.)

A weird side effect is that people talk to me more now. People are friendlier, more open. I haven’t changed. I’m still the same agoraphobic misanthropist minus the T&A. And yet, people are more responsive. Even the occasional Deutscher will smile.

Maybe it’s the shuffle ‘n pull. It’s really attractive.

Before you start hating me, this is not the ranting of an anorexic complaining that a size zero is just too big. I’m about 24 sizes away from that and I’ve already lost at least one Kylie. I get to bitch.


18 thoughts on “The Loss of Weight Loss

  1. Congrats on the weight loss!

    What a horrible problem, having to buy new clothes because you shrunk out of the old ones!

  2. Yep, the boobs are always the first to go. It’s scandalous. I’m sure you look totally gorgeous though. Why don’t you just bite the bullet and buy some pre-Christmas emergency pants just so you’ll have both hands free?

  3. I know exactly what you’re talking about. Since January I’ve lost about 12 kilos and apparently just didn’t realise it until my pants actually fell down in the Aldi.

    I spent a CRAPload of money buying clothes last Christmas, now none of it fits. I’ve had to do some emergency sewing lol

  4. Sounds like quite a transformation. Wow.

    If you’re really holding off until Christmas I hope you have really cute panties.

    I’m curious to learn more about what it is exactly that you’re doing…

  5. You could always get some cheap pants at Kik to get you through the next few weeks. Cheap but then again they sorta look it.

  6. Congrats on sportin’ your boots. Sounds like fun! You could bring the rainbow suspenders back in style until Dec.? Occasional panty exposure can be forgiven as long as “coin slot” is not included.

  7. Hey share the wealth…how and what are you doing to make your pants fall off??

    congrats, that is great!!


  8. There IS worse than no boobs. There is having lots of boobs, but they hang down instead of being Playboy perky. Feh!

    That’s how I am, though I’m not QUITE as bad as the fabled old lady who wanted to committ suicide and asked her doctor where her heart was. He told her it was just below her left breast. They took her to the hospital with a gunshot wound in her left knee…

    Seriously, rejoice in your weight loss and in the fact that you’re not searching for a good uplift bra that doesn’t feel like it was designed by Torquemada!

  9. Wooo Hooo! Well done! My weight is falling off too and every week I make another pile of clothes to give away…. sad.. sad… because I am such a clothes horse!

  10. Seriously, Jen, I’m disappointed to hear that you’ve left California only to rediscover Meth in Germany. For shame.

  11. Uhm, belts are VERY in this season — maybe this would help? Or a length of rope? 🙂 Congratulations on your weight loss!

  12. sparky, cocaine is too expensive, do you think crack will do it??
    ha ha ha ha

    don’t we get a picture of her to see the transformation..well get her pants to fit first please, wouldn’t want the photo to be of jen with her pants down;)

  13. Congrats on the weight loss! Lucky you, I unfortunately don’t fit in knee boots due to my massive calves.

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