How to Lose Six Pounds in Two Days

Stomach flu or food poisoning or both. I’m not really sure which. The fever and the cold sweats might indicate flu, but I’ve had that before with food poisoning.

And you know what? Fuck the environment and give me the cottonelle.

Sparky was gone all day yesterday and while he was away I was sad because I wanted someone to care for me. Then he came home and cared for me and all I wanted was to be alone because even his heartbeat was too loud for my pounding head.

He got me juice, but took too long, like three whole minutes. He made me soup, but gave it to me in too big of a bowl with too big of a spoon. I mean, really, how long do we have to be married before he realizes that I like little spoons for almost every spoon requirement and little bowls are best with the stomach flu so that you only have a few sips. More than a few sips can be deadly. Exorcist deadly. And I wanted toast, honey toast, but it had to be made a certain way with the toast from the freezer and just the right amount of soyola, but from the uncontaminated (meaning no crumbs of any nature from previous use) side of the container with a three-second honey application that is then spread all over the toast as close to the corners as possible with in a one minute period because then the toast cools down and the honey doesn’t have a chance to melt into all the crevices. And trying to explain this when you are sweating from every pore and skin touching skin hurts is impossible so you just need your partner to KNOW but even if they KNOW, it will never be perfect so its just easier not to eat or drink or even talk because talking is too loud.

I’m a nightmare when I’m sick. Give your condolences to Sparky who has had enough sense to get lost today too.

And now after all that I’m getting dizzy from all the small letters.

The whole purpose of this post was to wish J a Happy Birthday. Sweetheart, I missed it yesterday because I could not actually get up, but I thought of you occassionally when my head clearned for a moment.

So go wish him a good new birth year.

I’m heading back to bed to watch the 6th season of Gilmore Girls for the 35th time. I need a new series.


17 thoughts on “How to Lose Six Pounds in Two Days

  1. Good thing you did not treck in to Frankfurt. The wind was blowing, and even I was tired after a short walk…and I haven’t been sick and am rather fit!

  2. Yikes. Hope you are feeling better. I just want to sleep when I feel that way. A new series . . . I have just gotten hooked on “Weeds.” You can download clips from the internet. It is hilarious and a bit dark. Much better than desperate Housewives.

  3. Bless your heart! Hope you’re feeling better now.

    We’re “Weeds” watchers here too. That show cracks my shit up.

  4. Ahh weeds, jen discovered it when she was in the states. The whole clan enjoys that one. Oh and jen, I hope you feel better sweet sister.

  5. hey, i hope you feel better soon but gilmore girls should do the trick 🙂 we’re watching the 6th season again right now, too. i love gilmore girls. why do you need a new series?

  6. Oh my god, you poor thing. I’ve been having my own gastrointestinal issues the past couple of days and I can truly sympathize. There is NOTHING worse. Get well soon!

  7. Thanks for the bday wish, Jen. Hope you’re feeling better.

    I’m not sure what’s better – being sick or being buried under piles of exams to correct in the middle of a holiday period.

  8. Oh man, poor Sparky. Altho, in your defense, only women know how to do things like soup or toast or absolutely anything correctly.

  9. If Sparky still wants to know what it’s like to have kids, sounds like you sick in bed is a pretty good simulacrum of the real thing.
    Hope that you are feeling much, much better!

  10. Yuck … I’ve that thing too for a couple days … thought it was food poisoning too. Boston Legal and 24 have been keeping me entertained lately. Didn’t know Weeds was in its next series. Hope you feel better, if only for Sparky’s sake.

  11. OK, enough with the pity party!

    Get back to blogging, girl. Your public needs a new post.

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