Benzodiazipines, Please.

Yesterday in the doctors office, I finally came to the realization that I really shouldn’t have kids.

Not only is my body not cooperating, I wanted to smother a 6-month-old who would not stop crying and lock the 10-year-old doing homework really loudly in a car. He made noises holding his pencil.

Really.

I was unreasonably angry at those kids and their mothers who didn’t put a stop to it. I know, its impossible to stop a baby from crying if that is what he is wont to do, but a pillow might have worked.

I might have been overly cranky because I had been waiting for four hours.

I might have been overly cranky because I haven’t had a full night of sleep in over a week.

So, yes, I was/am tired and cranky, but I have had more sleep than I would as a mother. I realized that I would be that cranky kind of mom, always tired and pissed off. Sparky would be running around cleaning hand prints off of shiny surfaces and I would be yelling at Sparky with ear plugs in and popping benzodiazipines like House and Vicodin.

Tat stopped by last night. We were an emergency stop on her way home. She needed to heat a bottle because sweet Pebbles would not stop crying in the car. That was no problem for me at all. I love that she stopped by.

What I realized was that it was after nine and my house was silent except for the wheezing of a very sick cat. Her car was filled with three kids, one of which was unreasonably loud. Loud enough to warrant an emergency drive by. A kid that defied reasonable expectations because she’s like, not even two, and you can’t reason with a two year old. I know that little girl. I love that little girl. She is so sweet and adorable, but when she is in a mood… Man.

I like kids. I think I understand kids. I like the idea raising kids, but am probably more prepared to mother in a Raising Cain sort of way than a soccer mom sort of way.

I have wanted kids. I wanted two or three because I have such a good relationship with my siblings, I wanted to pass that on. But that has all been theory, really. In theory it sounds like a good idea, but the reality is that the older I get, the less I’m equipped to handle it, not the other way around. Currently, I’m equipped to realize just how insane it is. I was raised in chaos. I can function in chaos, but the more I live in calm, the less I want to set myself up for chaos again. I like the quiet.

My aunt asked me the other day what was going on with the baby making. I’ve been married long enough, been with Sparky long enough and I’m getting a little long in the tooth.

I responded by telling her we just acquired a new kitten. I think she finally understood.

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12 thoughts on “Benzodiazipines, Please.

  1. I’m with you on the doubts and annoyance… and the need for sleep. I wonder if I can do the kid thing. I honestly don’t think I will start down that road exclusively because I have a hankering for all that goes with motherhood. If I go (and I probably someday will) it will be with a fervent hope that some magic mom hormones kick in that will keep me from eating them at birth. I’m depending on that.

    On another note, I’m totally curious who in your house in sick… and of course who has the stinky butt. 😉

  2. Let me just tell you that your Ironius God nudged his way into MY car last night. Damn kid didn’t even drink that perfectly warm bottle and was asleep within 10 minutes after I left you – in fact all the kids were! Figures. But if Ironius could work that sleeping magic on the kids more often that would be nice. Of course, 40 min. later we had to wake the kids up to walk them up the stairs just to put them BACK to sleep again before Mike and I hit the four flight “stair-master” for three trips worth of grocery bags in the car; but hey, at least the ride home was peaceful. Listen, anytime you feel the mommy thing coming on, babysitting time with my sweet ones will cure you of all that fuzziness. :o) Love you.

  3. Sometimes it is different when it is your own child. Of course, you could end up with a little guy like Amari. He’s pretty good…though he used to HATE the car with a passion. Poor kid. Now he is used to it and does much better!

    Hugs… we miss you!

  4. J-bird, If you are a mom one day you’ll be fine. Look at all the little kids out there you’ve helped raise already. Though I was probably your most resistant (I have to be, I am your sister). There are so many important girly steps in life that I wouldn’t have had without out you. And Even when I cried, and whined and complained, you never actually smothered me and we were almost always good again within the same day. I love you and you will be fine no matter what you choose.

    P.S. If you do have kids I’ll just have to be sure to visit A LOT to be the buffer auntie and take the heat for finger prints.

  5. Jen, lately I’ve been thinking the same thing. Three is enough. Your line: “….the reality is that the older I get, the less I’m equipped to handle it, not the other way around…” describes it perfectly. For me at least, it’s time to let go.

  6. When you become a parent things change. You will probably still want to strangle other peoples badly behaved kids ( I know I do!), but you will be wonderful with your own.

  7. …and if none of the above happens, it is only for 18 years and there are great prescription medications to be had… 😉

    I think the secret may be something like this: there are a lot of annoying, stressful moments when you wonder, ‘why the hell did I?’ and these are offset by great moments when you wonder, ‘what the hell took me so long?’

    Or so they say, but then again my mother wants some grandkids and my sister-in-law would like to see me having to spend less on fab jeans and more on Pampers.

  8. Have two dogs, possibly thinking about a third. Maybe a Great Dane.
    Now does that mean I have fallen off the wagon? Maybe the famous “biological ticker” is broken, should I go and get it fixed?
    By the way, how do you turn off the own parent / in-law continually repeated statement of “So.. I have been thinking about XYZ for a boy and ABC for a girl”
    I am grabbing the dog leash as we speak

  9. Megan: Scrunchy is sick from a cold that Ollie had. Indoor cats have limited exposure to colds and such and are thus more suseptible to new cat bugs. Its a pretty serious thing right now and he can’t be left alone because of limited lung function. Hence, I am home this week. He’l be fine though. And it was Ollies’ stinky butt.

    tat: Glad to see I have converted another follower to Ironus.

    maria: Amari is the best baby I have ever seen. I never saw him do more than smile and giggle. Oh, and i would take ginger in a heartbeat, but old Scrooge McSparky won’t let me have any more animals.

    Mim: I love you, sweet girl. My yearn to smother you came when you were old enough and strong enough to fight me off, hence you were spared. however, I wouldn’t trade those memories or experiences for the world and I am so proud of you.

    Lisa: its like marriage. would it have been easier if i was married younger when I was more pliable, less stubborn and set in my ways? I have no idea. Good for you and really, three is a lot, isn’t it?

    Haddock: thanks. Is there a special pass when you’re a parent to say something when kids are out of control and the parnets don’t seem to be responding? If i were a parent, am i allowed to say to another parent “Hey, your kid’s a menace. Keep him in line.” or something to that effect?

    Megan: I am a firm believe in a better life through pharmacuticals. That does seem to be the consensus. I’m still not sure my child would survive Shaken Baby Syndrome. And with the combo of genes, he’s been polishing things at two and screaming about the injustice of an inferior bottle. I’m not sure if i want to do that to the world.

    Nicky: three is the limit. One should keep the number to a total of three before they become a source of entertainment for people. I had four cats once. I was properly labeled a cat lady. Then i found a home for the last one and went back to three. Four starts the hoarding, three is just a little crazy. I hear great danes are very gentle loving dogs. I’d have one in a minute if not for Scrooge McSparky and his animal limit.

    As far as familial pressure, it was at an all time high last year and last year I was really keen to start a family. My dad especially wants a grandkid, for revenge purposes, I’m told. But he’s stopped asking.

    I think I’ve passed that point where people stop asking out of politeness. I’m at an age where it’s either a conscious choice or a physical limitation and either way, my family figures its my business unless I want to talk about it.

    And funnily enough, they no longer criticize my tendancy to collect feline dependants. The future doens’t look good. I might have to have a kid just to remove the moth ball scented sterotype.

  10. Jen, I can definitely sympathize with you on this topic! No idea if babies are in my future. My boyfriend had his 9 year old daughter over with us this weekend and he had a rough time with her completing her homework. Later I told him that I have no idea what I would do in his situation since as a child, I always did my homework w/o problems. (Not so much the case now, since I have German class tonight, but have not yet cracked opened the books 🙂 But the episode made me so very happy that we have decided to postpone any baby ideas for now.

    I have a great book about this topic called, Maybe Baby. It’s a collection of essays from writers who have either decided they are deadset against children, on the fence, or who have decided to have children. So far I’ve only gotten through the people who are deadset against the idea and they are hilarious! Perhaps if we see each other in Dresden or elsewhere I’ll have finished it and you can borrow it!

    Alex in Dortmund

  11. I can sympathize as well. I wanted kids until I married my husband. Don’t get me wrong, he’s wonderful. But it occurred to me that I could be totally happy with just the two of us (and maybe a canine or two). And the question I had to ask was whether or not I’d ever regret my decision not to have kids. And the answer was not now, not even in 10 years. But I knew in my gut that when I hit menapause and didn’t have a choice anymore that I’d regret it.
    So we had a kid. And she’s wonderful. Patience in parenting is a half-ingrained and half-learned skill. And, yes, we do look at each other from time to time, laugh, and ask “Why did we do this again?”

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