Yesterday in the doctors office, I finally came to the realization that I really shouldn’t have kids.
Not only is my body not cooperating, I wanted to smother a 6-month-old who would not stop crying and lock the 10-year-old doing homework really loudly in a car. He made noises holding his pencil.
I was unreasonably angry at those kids and their mothers who didn’t put a stop to it. I know, its impossible to stop a baby from crying if that is what he is wont to do, but a pillow might have worked.
I might have been overly cranky because I had been waiting for four hours.
I might have been overly cranky because I haven’t had a full night of sleep in over a week.
So, yes, I was/am tired and cranky, but I have had more sleep than I would as a mother. I realized that I would be that cranky kind of mom, always tired and pissed off. Sparky would be running around cleaning hand prints off of shiny surfaces and I would be yelling at Sparky with ear plugs in and popping benzodiazipines like House and Vicodin.
Tat stopped by last night. We were an emergency stop on her way home. She needed to heat a bottle because sweet Pebbles would not stop crying in the car. That was no problem for me at all. I love that she stopped by.
What I realized was that it was after nine and my house was silent except for the wheezing of a very sick cat. Her car was filled with three kids, one of which was unreasonably loud. Loud enough to warrant an emergency drive by. A kid that defied reasonable expectations because she’s like, not even two, and you can’t reason with a two year old. I know that little girl. I love that little girl. She is so sweet and adorable, but when she is in a mood… Man.
I like kids. I think I understand kids. I like the idea raising kids, but am probably more prepared to mother in a Raising Cain sort of way than a soccer mom sort of way.
I have wanted kids. I wanted two or three because I have such a good relationship with my siblings, I wanted to pass that on. But that has all been theory, really. In theory it sounds like a good idea, but the reality is that the older I get, the less I’m equipped to handle it, not the other way around. Currently, I’m equipped to realize just how insane it is. I was raised in chaos. I can function in chaos, but the more I live in calm, the less I want to set myself up for chaos again. I like the quiet.
My aunt asked me the other day what was going on with the baby making. I’ve been married long enough, been with Sparky long enough and I’m getting a little long in the tooth.
I responded by telling her we just acquired a new kitten. I think she finally understood.