Please Pass the Kleenex

snot.jpgThis is a disgusting week at Heisse Scheisse. First we had the shocker, then castration and now snot. I promise something less tactile tomorrow.

But today I have questions and I need answers and if I ask Sparky, he’ll walk away because he knows I don’t want some boring medical scientific explanation. He knows I want to hear about the snot fairy who visits when the humidity factor is low. The snot fairy gently blows common cold dust up your nose while you sleep thus ensuring a human factory of hard to evaporate moisture. This moisture is added to the climate in massive amounts thus effecting the barometric pressure and then in Japan a butterfly has to sit that day out because of rain.

Magic is the only way to explain the unending amounts of snot. I feel like Rumpelstiltskin, except instead of straw into gold, I turn a perfectly good Kleenex into goo.

How does ones body produce so much? Is there a never ending supply because it seems to me, in the last week, I, alone, could have provided the ectoplasm for a ghostbusters trilogy.

lucy-in-the-slime.jpgOkay, okay, let’s just say that its a normal amount. Why am I not losing tons of weight in the production? I mean, calorically, my body is busy right? And its not normal so there should be an increase in metabolic activity, right? So what’s the deal?

Okay, one more. Shouldn’t I at least be losing water weight? I drink my 2.5 liters a day. I produce 15 gallons of nose-related Kleenex filler. Where does it come from?

My only answer is the snot fairy and her very close association to Ironus, that rat bastard.

Now, how do I separate used Kleenex, in a garbage sense. You know krauts and their adherence to procedure. Are used Kleenexes Alt Papier? Technically it is a paper product. Bio? I think it can be composted. Medical bio-hazard? I have a neighbor who looks at our trash, making sure we separate correctly and cleanly (wash out the yogurt containers people), so I want to make sure I get this right.

Here’s a link to make slime without nose involvement. Kinda of cool.


17 thoughts on “Please Pass the Kleenex

  1. man, i hope you feel better soon!

    i’d say bio-müll. and please tell your neighbor that the yogurt-container-washing is BS. he can call the people from the “yellow bags” to confirm. all that water you waste on that is just a shame… 🙂

  2. We have to take our recycleables to a recycling depot, and there are “guards” there, and they say that we must wash the yogurt containers. They’re so mean that Rainer wanted to stop sorting trash.

    Anyways, I always put used kleenex in the regular trash. Maybe I’ve been doing it wrong all this time though.

    Hope you feel better soon!

  3. I’m with you on the Kleenex filler. I’ve always wondered why I don’t eventually dehydrate or something after a long and nasty cold.

    As for the Kleenex, I’ve read on an official recycling page that they are not considered paper, thus they should be placed in the regular trash. Although I would also assume that they could be put in the bio section as well… you would HOPE that they break down easily.

    May I say that washing the yogurt containers is madness. I have a friend that insists on washing the things in the dishwasher!

  4. When I was a young boy I asked my Grandfather what snot was. His answer was “brain poop.”

    Worked for me.

    He also told me that bees eat so much pollen that they get diarrhea and thats where honey comes from.

    You might say Grampa’s answers were shit.

  5. Rich: Uh, hello? have we met?

    Kim: I will, thanks. its just a cold, but man, the snot is annoying. I totally agree with the waste of water thing. It drives me crazy trying to figure out how to save the polar bears by figuring out which is the bigger enviro sin.

    CG: Thanks! I know, those guards are a pain. When I take in my plastic pfand bottles, if one wrapper is off, even if the bottle is exactly like the other 60 bottles, they won’t take it. It drive me insane. And you can’t smush them. Think of all that wasted space and transportation issues. Recycling seems to be more of an art form here, like italian cooking than german beuaracracy.

    Snooker: I’ve read that too, but why? why is kleenex not paper? I’ve asked

  6. Well, this confirms it — we’re snot-mates! When my allergies hit I can go through two boxes of Kleenex in a day. Between the snot and the tears, I swear I lose 5 pounds on those days. (Don’t I wish…)

    Hope you feel better soon! Are you tossing Kleenex around the apartment with wild abandon? Wouldn’t that just SEND Sparky?! (I’m so mean…)


  7. carol, do you have jet lag or what? you are up rather early. and i agree, we are soul sisters in snot, fur shur.

    Andrea: Thanks for the link. at leaset i know where to put it, but now i want to know why.

    Why isn’t it recyclable?

  8. The Boy and I both have used up our stock of kleenex and then some in the past week or so. I always think that snot is a bit of my brain leaking out, because when my nose is running, I usually cannot think straight!

  9. I very, very seldom get a cold in Germany. I get back in the US and I turn into a snot factory.

    My guess is that I’ve already had all the viruses hanging around here and there are still viruses in the US I haven’t caught yet.

    How’s that for some insane reasoning?

  10. Unfortunately, I’m unintentionally helping you in the ‘Snot takes over the world’ part of this. My cold has gotten worse. I got 3 hours of sleep Monday night because I had to wake up and sneeze or cough too often.

  11. Sweetie, I will trade my stuffiness for your snot rockets. At least when it comes out there are a few moments when you can breathe.

    PS It sounds like we are all sick these days?!? Perhaps there is a snot fairy.

  12. Thanks andrea. a lot. i suppose it makes sense, but its hard to throw 2 boxes of kleenex out now that i live amoungst zee krauts.

    Maria: too bad its not limited to one side of the pond, eh.

    Dixie: totally. i always pick up new bugs when i go home. except I know all the cool over-the-counter drugs there and for some reason, it makes me feel so much better.

    J: yep. Nightquil or however its spelled is what has gotten me thourgh the last week. otherwise i’m up all night.

    claire darling: tat says garlic is the way to go for those with a bun in the oven. I can breath when i’m not coughing. and i do have about 30 seconds between kleenex kills. My nose is red and chapped as if i’m auditioning for the part of rudolph.

    Yes, Virginia, there is a snot fairy.

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