Sickie and Sexy

I finished my Hamburg project last week. A new project is in the pipeline. I like being a working girl these days. Thanks, Ace1 for the advice. It was exactly what I needed.

So Monday, a routine minor outpatient operation turned into a nightmare five day stay at the hospital.

I’m home and I’m fine. I have fifteen stitches and two five-inch glued gashes spread over both legs. I also have a fantastically gorgeous pair of old lady compression hose (and I use the term “hose” loosely) that I get to wear for the next two months. And this wasn’t even plastic surgery. I’d have done this willingly if my thighs would look like Heidi Klum’s in two months, but no. Just a boring “it’ll make you healthier” sheisse.

What color hose you ask? Why a lovey shade of caramel. The perfect color to go with absolutely nothing in my wardrobe.

After finally getting to take a shower and washing off all the oompa loompa iodine, which went delightfully with the french pedicure, my toes stopped looking like rindswurst on Thursday.

sharpei.jpgLast night I was on the phone in the hallway outside my room. I was wearing a little chemise because I really do not own hospital wear. To my credit, i was wearing a matching bra, so the girls at least looked good. Totally forgetting my rindswurst toes, mummy legs wrapped in ace bandages from my ankles to my muffin top thighs, I smiled flirtatiously. The bandages had rolled down my legs like thigh highs gone AWOL, exposing my bruised, sharpei-like upper thighs. It was only when the doctor smiled back uncomfortably, trying hard not to look at my thighs and failing, did I remember what I was wearing. It was another one of those moments I wished the floor had just swallowed me whole.

But in my defense, I had dropped my drawers for so many members of the medical staff over the last few days, I was kind of comfortable. And the ace bandages were their fault, not mine. I have to take credit for the thighs though.

Anyway, that’s where I’ve been. I’ll try to post more this week.

I’m tired and cranky because one can never sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. I still don’t understand that. My blood pressure goes up just thinking about it. I had an all time high this week of 90/50. A low of 70/40. Surprised the hell out of me too.

Sparky was fantastic while I was away. He did laundry, including folding and vacuumed and dealt with the Ollie issue. The Ollie issue is the 3 am wake up call we get with his entire nose entering one nostril with a strong shove. We’re having to lock the doors now because he can open them if they’re not locked. Yeah, those doors. The doors that lock people inside. He can open them and do the nostril-nose shove.

Sparky even brought my roommate and I movies because I think I have finally OD’d on Gilmore Girls. At least until November 13th.

In other news, where the hell is Lisa?


11 thoughts on “Sickie and Sexy

  1. Grrrrl – we missed you!! Glad you’re back — and now DO NOT leave again!

    Loved this post. Witty and cute. (Don’t you hate it when people call your writing “cute”?!) Sorry about the complications though. Yukkkkkk.


  2. Ahh, there you are. I’d forgotten you had a little hospital visit coming up. Sorry it morphed into something bigger, but I’m sure all will be well soon enough.

    And yeah, where the hell IS Lisa??

  3. Glad to hear from you, even if it’s not exactly the best news. At least you’re home and out of the hospital – keep my fingers crossed that you’re back to “normal” in no time at all.

    In the meantime, it sounds like a perfect reason to purchase a pair of custom made thigh-high leather boots!

  4. i’m seconding the custom-made thigh-high leather boots (in lambskin, perhaps?), as if anyone ever really needs a REASON for that sort of purchase!


  5. I’ve heard from Lisa in the meantime. (Hi, Lisa!!) She’s doing fine, just needs a little break from everything, and wants to shape up her life and move it away from the Internet just a tad. I guess she’s an all-or-nothing type girl, so she’s taken this approach.

    Happy to hear you’re back and feeling better!

  6. At least you’re not a dwarf like my aunt; I imagine those iodine legs would give a whole new meaning to “oompa loompa”. hahaha Can’t wait to see those caramels 😉

  7. oh shit, i didn’t even know about the hospital-thing. glad to hear you’re back (somewhat) feeling better though! and the boots-idea? great one if you ask me! 🙂

    feel better soon *hugs*

  8. Wow, 5 days! Did you at least take a good look at the awesomely handsome resident doctors (just watched scrubs)?

    Glad to hear you’re home and recouperating. Just be sure to rest according to doctor’s orders. There are a few things one should not mess with… seriously.

    If you need some more of the “good stuff” let me know, I got some left over from my “experience” last month 🙂

  9. Hi Jen,
    Sorry to hear about your hospital horrors. Rest assured that even if you had been perfectly healthy, they would have found excuse after excuse to hold you there for as long as possible. My only experience with German hospitals is that they will suck your krankenkasse for all they’re worth. My two-day stay a few years back turned into nine. I even sneaked away on the weekend, but was billed for it anyway.

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