The Christmas Nazi

Below is the E-mail I sent to my family this morning before the pain killers wrapped me up in a fuzzy blanket taking me away from pain I can only describe using words like well, used and whore and allowing me to walk semi-normally.  My thighs are so swollen and bruised, I can only walk bow-legged.  after standing for five minutes I have to lay down with my legs up in the air.  I know I’m rather talented in this particular pose, but it does get old.

Anyway, christmas is coming and to show my step-dad how much a I love and respect him, I’ve tried to keep my Christmas control to a minimum.  As long as he’s not exposed, we’re good, so I start here in Deutschland.  I’ve been told I can be controlling.


Okay My Lovies,

Can you feel the wind blow a little cold? Do you hear whispers in the wind?

I will be home in little less than a month.

So, because the time is grows near, I need Christmas lists so I can properly organize my time here and there. As I am no longer a lady of leisure, I do need to plan… I have my spreadsheets to make and my budgets to plan. And if I can do my organization here, away from all my loved ones, I am far less likely to be freaking out when I’m in the states. I can relax and let Christmas happen in a nice soft as gently falling snow sort of way and give you wonderful Christmas memories that will keep you warm in the cold aftershock of January billing cycles.

Also, Miranda and I really love putting together a great Christmas. It would be a gift for the both of us. She and I coordinate and try to mastermind a great Christmas in a nice, easy, no-stress kind of way. We really do love making all of you happy come Christmas morning.

If I could get all your wish lists this week, you would be doing me a great service. I’m not working this week and could get a lot of shopping done. I am also Jeff’s personal shopper this year(every year), so it’s doubly important that you get me this info.

John: Is it okay if I use your house as a shipping depot?

Miranda: We need to start to coordinate who gets which websites for stocking stuffers.

David: I need to include Megan on this e-mail, but I don’t have her address.

This is the time to let me know if there are particular goodies you would like from Germany. I might be making a run to the border (France) so let me know if there is something from the Alsace region (Miranda, the painter man only paints in the summer time).

Absinthe: This is by far the most requested item. I can only bring a small number of bottles home because its expensive and, like, I don’t know… ILLEGAL. I like the romantic notion of being a smuggler (I prefer pirates, ships, French brandy and the Cornish coast) and all, but I have had bottles confiscated. My ruse as a romance novel reading middle aged matron doesn’t always work. And David is first on this list. Jeff is last. Did I say Jeff was last because I meant Jeff is not on this list AT ALL. Get your ass to Germany if you want some.

Remember, we have decent Christmas candy too. Those marzipan tree trunks and Mozart balls.

Dad: I’m bringing home a case of Kinder Eggs for Andrew.

Miranda: Don’t even think about it. Kinder Eggs are for school only. Should I bring some for Nancy’s kids again?

Get me those lists, people.


The Christmas Nazi… Heil!


5 thoughts on “The Christmas Nazi

  1. wow. happy holidays. or something. i guess… 🙂

    although all of that makes total sense to me. there must be a reason C likes to call me “control freak”. i almost feel like copying your entire email and after changing around a few names, using it for my friends and family.

    are americans really that crazy about absinthe? the #1 request from our friends is usually jaegermeister. do we simply have cheap friends?

    also, i hope you feel better real soon! 🙂

  2. Aw man, Jen! Is the “minor surgery” you spoke of…? Damn! Please feel better — even when your legs are firmly planted on the ground.

    Yeah — absinthe! How much time did Elisabeth and I spend shopping for (tasting) it in Germany? HOURS! Days…


  3. I was wondering what happened if customs ever caught up with me with a few absinthe bottle in tow, is the experience expensive or simply humiliating?

    By the way, this Megan you mention in your email, may I just say that whoever she may be, I heartily approve of her parents’ choice to spell her name correctly? Outnumbering the others with extra h’s and e’s is very important.

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