Let There Be Light… and Shoes and Lattes

Its taken me a little while to de-frau-ify this time, but I’m almost there. 

Made it across the pond.  Sat next to a priest and a convert on the flight over.  We had an interesting conversation for the first four hours until they realized that I one, thought that hurting women and children was far worse crime than homosexual acts which I don’t find to be sinful at all and two, the catholic view of contraception was crap especially after the convert told me he had five children before he left his wife, but he won’t actually divorce her because its against his religion.  Huh.  

The clincher was actually over homosexual acts. I think it was when I said that I was sure that ninety percent of the straight men on the flight had had anal sex and I was pretty sure ninety percent of the women could attest to this that they brought out their bibles and allowed me to finish watching Hairspray.   I don’t know, I  assume everyone has anal at some point.  A glass of wine and some lube and its really not a big deal.  Certainally not something to burn in eternity over.  Am I wrong?

After the flight, my dad picked me up and I met up with the wondertwins.  They spent the first 10 minutes shoving me back and forth between them.  I am now technically smaller than both of them and they love having superior physical power.  My brother wasted no time in stuffing me down the space between his bed and his desk.  I’m 35 and my brother is stuffing me down holes.  Nice.

Living with three boys.  Jeff, Steve and Tom.  All very sweet and all very messy.  I feel like Wendy and the lost boys to a certain extent.  I had to pull out a guilt card to get them to empty a dishwasher.  So that is what it is.  Living with three guys kind of sucks in that way, but I suppose it could be worse.

Finally got my hair done.  It’s funny how something as simple as that can be so freeing.  Not to mention that my dad showed up and surprised me by paying for it.  My hair looks fabu.  I FEEL fabu.  And really, when was the last time I got a free hair appointment?  I think I was 16.  It made a great do, better.  Thanks Daddy. 

So the biggest thing I’ve done since coming back is the lasik surgery. I’ve always dreamed of waking up and being able to see without the searing pain associated with falling asleep with contacts on.  So I signed up for lasik. Lasik is when they peel your cornea off your eyeball and vaporize the stuff below with a laser so you can see.  It worked.  I can see… without glasses.  I can see 20/20 at 80% healed.  I might even make it to 20/15.

The only iffy part was when they put a suction ring on my eyeball and cut the cornea.  It was terrifying because one little slip, one cup too many of the morning java and a shakey hand and I could have been blind.  Trust me I thought of all the bad things that could happen and kept the staff laughing as I listed them off.  That they laughed I thought was a good sign.  No sense in pissing off they guy with the knife to your eye.

So I’ve spent too much money on non-fat lattes with splenda.  I bought a pair of insanely expensive boots that I’ll probably take back and I cleaned out Victoria’s Secret once I found a bra that can make my now C cups look young and luscious again.  Then I bought a deep scoop neck tee to show them off.  Old habits die hard.  I’ve lost another jeans size since being here and it’s making shopping difficult.  I can’t find a pair of jeans that actually fit, but I now have a new belt so I can keep my old jeans from falling off my ass.

I’m driving the truck again, thanks to my step-dad.  It’s raised and kind of bad ass.  I can see over everyone and I don’t tend to drive too fast because, well, its a truck and unlike a BMW, you actually feel every mile per hour.  This is a good thing as living in Krautland has given me the need for speed.  The CHP doesn’t really care that you spend the majority of your autobahn driving at 120 miles an hour so you have the experience needed to drive that fast.  They aslo don’t give a rats ass that you technically live in Germany and this is totally accpetable there and for just a few minutes you forgot that its not legal in Cali.  It’s a good thing I bought those bras and tee shirt.

So that’s whats going on out here.  I’m spending the day inside. I’m a bit dizzy.  Oh, the surgery was yesterday.  Yesterday I woke up not being able to see without my glasses.  I woke up this morning being able to see everything.  Everything.  I just can’t believe it.  Jeff is so tired of me asking him to point out signs to read.  He is so tired of me jumping up and down and saying things like “I can see. I can see. ”  Jeff and Mim won in the genetic lottery of our DNA.  Perfect eyesight and perfect teeth without braces, the bastards. 

When I get the pictures, I’ll post them.  Jeff got one of my eyeball ala Clockwork Orange. It’s pretty.

Later gators. 


9 thoughts on “Let There Be Light… and Shoes and Lattes

  1. Love this!! And I’m so jealous about the weight, the Lasik, the shoes, the hair… Geeze grrrrrl, I just wanna BE you!!

    Canceled my trip to the Bay Area because my aunt died suddenly last weekend (yes, very sad) and I need to go down in January for her memorial… so I swapped trips. Damn, would have loved to have met for a nonfat latte with Splenda.

    Much love,


  2. vt: yep. the whole time up until the laser started i kept thinking “this is a bad idea. don’t do it. Bad, BAD idea.” but it totally worked out. i mean totally. i can see as clear as a bell and as long as i don’t rub my corneas off, i should be fine.

    carol: I’m so sorry. and disappointed. I would have loved to have seen you.
    life could be worse right now. I do have some stress in areas i can’t write about, so i’m not exactly living a charmed life, but it could be worse.

    Christina: its the body by victoria uplift full coverage bra. I swear to god, my boobs look like heidi klum’s.

    Lasik rocks. i mean ROCKS. i can’t believe i can see so well. i went to the uc berkeley eye center and they are totally awesome.

    and if the catholic god is really a god, i’ve assured myself a one way ticket down.

  3. Wait– if your boobs look like Heidi’s, I need to write the name of this bra down. She has amazing tits…or at least they look that way in a bra. LOL! Mine will probably be sagging down to my waist by the time I am done nursing, so I need a good bra!

    Ooo…and I love shoes. I am going to get a new pair of knee high black boots soon. I can feel it in my blood. LOL!


  4. I am ashamed of you. You have broken the first rule of being a californian, you called california cali, for shame.

  5. What a great post..you are so funny…They told me I was too old and my vision would meander back..You have this to look forward to after 60 after the teeth, eyes, and ears..it’s the body in general..and oh I wear body by Victoria..it pushes those suckers up..they look okay for 61…

    Dorothy from grammology
    call gram

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s