Q: Why do so many people wear sunglasses in California?
A: Because the light here is so fucking beautiful and clear, you must in order to protect your eyes. Please, do not mistake light for air. The air isn’t all that clean.
Q: Why are there so many coffee shops in the Bay Area?
A: Because it has been scientifically proven that people are happier with a constant supply of non-fat lattes. It’s true. I swear.
As an aside, yesterday morning’s Starbucks stop resulted in a free latte. Starbucks ran out of tall, grande and venti sized hot beverage cups. I got a free two shot latte in a short cup. However, all I could think about was how does Starbucks run out of coffee cups and some-one was in troub-ble.
Q: What constitutes “fuck me” boots?
A: I can’t define ’em, but I know ’em when I see em… and I bought em. And I can walk in them, mostly.
Q: From my friend Ray, the friendly Safeway check-out clerk. “Who hit you in both your eyes?”
A: A guy named Andrew Sorensen and he used a knife.
Q: How do you drive a brother crazy?
A: By not responding to his prank of using a sharpy to black out my night time safety goggles. It came down to a choice of chancing it with a possible sleep eye rub which would render me BLIND or wear the goggles and wake up like a sensitive rabbit in a cosmetic testing lab. He felt very, very bad as he should, the next morning.
A2: Make him go shoe shopping.
A3: Ask him if your ass looks fat, flat or disgusting in the 100th pair of jeans you try on.
A4: Steal all his lighters and replace them with empty lighters. Thank you to all those who helped me in this prank.
Q: How do you waste a day?
A: Law & Order marathon
Tomorrow: Eye make-up can be safely used again which is just in time to have two days of socializing before Sparky joins me. Hot date first thing in the morning with the eye doctor, lunch with Ilona of the hot wax fame and then on to coffee with Ace. Home in time to hit up Smitty’s with the boys where I plan on wearing said boots and drinking far too much.
Jami, the bartenders have changed, but Smitty’s is still the same. You should be sad that you haven’t joined me.