Weapons of Mass Destruction

You know the hardest part of being in the working world again after such a long hiatus? It’s not the getting up early and working late. It’s not the morning Brotchen. It’s trying not to fart while walking around the office.

I know this seems like a no brain-er, but think for a moment. Once, long, long ago, I was a polite city girl, going out and about, farting privately in the bathroom or alone wherever alone was. Alone was not in my very busy office or in the kitchen at work. Alone was where:

Linger Factor x Blast Radius(self) = SD/P*
Linger Factor x Blast Radius(people) = TD x CE**

My mother raised me right and other than that one sneeze from hell prompted fart at work on my office Aeron chair (no muffle factor AT ALL!) I kept my animalistic tendencies private.Then I moved to Germany. My mother-in-law starts off our relationship explaining the proper way to wipe my ass and my then boyfriend never closed the bathroom door, ever. No matter what he was downloading.

Fast forward four years and all the mystery is gone. My mother would be so disappointed. She was totally right. Your friends form your behavior and lordy, mama, Sparky farts all the time. He’s even made me participate in the fart wars. I confess and fall upon the good graces of the gods and goddess to cleanse my spirit (and my bowels, please) and forgive me for my bodily sins.

In other news, Ollie the cat was up all night playing with one of the fourteen mice I purchased for the move. His favorite place to tear the sucker apart was on the bed… Where we were sleeping. Olli woke Sparky who woke me up with his swearing. Then Olli fell asleep on Sparky’s pillow, purring as he drifted into his sweet fluffy kitty cat night-night. Then Scrunchy tried to wiggle his nose into my neck bone and Kiska, the little runaway, jumped up behind my knees. Oh and me? I was awake. The swearing and the purring did me in.

Good Morning, morning glories.

SD/P* (self disgust/pride)

TD x CE** Total Destruction of all nearby life forms and complete embarrassment


4 thoughts on “Weapons of Mass Destruction

  1. I’m with you, free-fart episodes only happen at home, behind closed doors and preferably alone. This is often a source of great discomfort in public. Like, last week I had to fart for approximately three hours straight. And I mean it was right –> <– there, right on the rim for each and every second of those 180 minutes. There at the last I was squeezing and praying for my body to reabsorb it, to no avail. There is no reabsorb, only cross-eyed bloat, mince-walking and praying for unconsciousness.

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