Project Number 47

I put on my pearl earrings and my black twinset. Paired with my gray knee length swirly skirt and straight long hair brushed out, I look very conservative, hopefully a bit maternal. As in all things, I must accessorize appropriately.

I wanted to make a good impression. It’s not everyday a girl gets to meet with her fertility specialist. One never knows if he makes a decision on who should or should not be a mom depending on what she looks like. I tried to exude a nice, professional if not humorous air. As if I want a kid, but I’m not biting my nails and I am certainly not one of those obsessive women in the forums I’ve lurked on trying to glean bits of info on the real life effects of the drugs that have been prescribed.

I’ve been kind of quiet over here on Heisse Scheisse for the last long while, but that does not mean life has been quiet by any means.

I’ve had to make a lot of decisions lately that are have a zero “Do-Over” tolerance. One of those decisions came about when my beloved OB/Gyn said “Jen, its now or never. I can’t promise to keep the baby maker healthy for much longer. Please go talk to Dr. Lovely Eyes.”

Today’s news was not great. Apparently with my medical history, hormone history and age, Dr. LE is not quite sure how much time I have left. He prefers to start with IVF in four months if the injectables don’t work by then.

“Well, Jennifer. With your history, the use of Drug G will give you an 85% chance of twins. You need to be okay with this possibility before we continue.”

“You know, I am okay with that. I consider having only one child child/societal abuse* and since I might have only one shot at this, I’d like to make it as efficient as possible. If we could go ahead and schedule twins and a C-section with a tummy tuck, I think we’re good. Time is a limited commodity, and all.”

I was only sort of joking and I think he caught that because there were crickets after that mouthful.

So I had the full battery of tests and picked up a prescription for an injectable drug to be started on my next cycle.

Hmm. Well. Okay then.

This has come not out of the blue, but on the top of relationship decisions which lead to whether or not I stay in Germany and for how long decisions, which lead to employment decisions which lead back to baby decisions.

I knew this day was coming. I have been struggling with the multitude for quite sometime. My general attitude has been to let go and let the gods decide. I can’t leave for a while anyway so let’s let this decision go for a while. Since I’m here, I might as well do this. Since I’m doing this I can wait on that.

Am I being vague? Yes, I am. Do I want to go further into this line of thought? Not really. I don’t want to go into it privately, with friends, with a therapist or in my head, let alone on paper, or Internet paper as the case may be.

However, is taking a fertility drug really letting the gods decide? I’m making a conscious choice. One that will have everlasting effects on all the other decisions I haven’t wanted to make. So what am I doing? Exactly, what do you think you are doing, Ms. M? Making decisions by proxy? Letting circumstances decide your future?

Or is it faced with the reality that I might not have a family ever because I’ve put it off for so long by not making the right choice when I should have, I’m panicking and making the only decision of which I am sure? I want kids. I want a family. When all is said and done, regardless of what continent I live on and who is in my life, I really do want children.

So all those decisions and what has resulted? A trip to the babymaker extrodinaire. We’ll see where I am in a few months. Otherwise I’m just goose stepping to the rhythm.

However, if I become one of those crazy hormonal women with little tags that say “Go, Spermy Go!”, I give you permission to kick my ass.

*Before I go into how only children tend to be a bit on the selfish side and only know how to share because they get to, to show how generous they can be, not because they HAVE to and all that entails, let me just say I know a few only children and that might not give me the right to judge them all, but I gives me the right to judge enough to know I do not want to do that to society at large. And as god as my witness I will not share my drink, so don’t ask. (Obviously the oldest child, here.)

And my relationship with my siblings is such that I would want my child to have a chance to experience the same. Also, “only” children have the sole responsibility for aging parents and I think this is awful. No one should have to deal with that alone.


12 thoughts on “Project Number 47

  1. I am very sorry that you need to make a decision of this kind, but I’m glad that you have made a decision and, imho (and from my experience) a good one. I have two friends who waited (admittedly not for their first, but for desired later children) until that decision (to have more) was taken away involuntarily. As I look to have another child, I am coming up on a deadline as to when I would need to contact an expert myself, and if it’s not too painful, I may find myself asking you questions. Good luck!

  2. Oh lady! I am thinking about you, and think of it this way. If you take the drugs and still don’t get pregnant (or do IVF), then the Gods really didn’t want you to have a kid…or two.

    On the other hand, I am still planning just one. I would love to be pregnant and deliver again… possibly even nurse… but raising the kid? No thanks. What I’m saying is– if you need a surrogate, give me a holla!

    Good luck!

  3. Well, as having had one child young (at 24 almost 25) and then having one by adoption at 30…the right time to have kids is when you decide to. Biology isn’t everything, and I don’t mean that negatively or anything. If you really want kids and for whatever reason it doesn’t click biologically, remember there are a lot of cute adoptable kids out there who need loving moms. Absolutely nothing is impossible.
    Stay POSITIVE!

  4. Whoaaah. All that just about knocked me over. Sounds like you’ve been doing some Very Serious Thinking. I say go for it – it sounds like you are totally focused and ready. *smooch*

  5. i think there’s probably never “the right time” to have (a) kid(s) and certainly not the “right” or “wrong” country to have them in. your not immobilized once you have a kid and it certainly doesn’t necessarily determine where you will (or have to) stay for a long period of time. i think this is something you only get a few shots on and once it’s done, it’s done. so if you know from the bottom of your heart that you want children, i think you should go for it. no matter where you are right now and what might happen in the future.

    we’re pretty sure we won’t stay in germany for good but i would still like to have my first child here in germany (if possible) because i would like to share the time with my girlfriends and just feel a bit more comfortable with the healthcare here (because that’s the system i know). but who really knows what’s gonna happen?

    oh and as far as “the gods” go: i think if they got you in touch with a great fertility doc and OBGYN and you get pregnant with those guys help as opposed to not pregnant at all (and possibly end up unhappy/-fulfilled) then i say the gods made a good decision 🙂 just chill a bit about it, listen to your heart and gut and you’ll make the right decision.


  6. Sweetie, we need to chat! Maybe a girl’s day in Hamburg? The Dude’s getting big enough to leave for a few hours.
    As far as only having one kid . . . well after the birth, recovery and sleepless nights of the first few months . . . I never want to do it again. I guess I will just have to teach him to share.

  7. Hellloooooooo??!!!! I come back to Google Reader’s gazillion posts and THIS is what I see first?! Holy shit, lady! Er, I mean YOU GO!! I LOVE this news! OMG — Sparky as a dad… it cracks me up just to ponder! (You as a mom… totally natural.)

    And as far as C-section/twins/tummy tuck, I did exactly that! We’ll talk, yes?


  8. Ican tell you that every person I know is jealous of the relationship I have with my sisters, and looking back that only came with years of punishment and torture…from all ends. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

  9. Having had to go through taking medication and have minor surgery to have both of my boys I can relate to some fo what your feeling. The having sex to order, is not much fun. I have to say, it was worth all the pain and side effects.
    The career thing is always hard to juggle with kids. I have to say with mine now being 7 and 10 my career is finally taking off again.
    All I have to finally say is – ON YOUR MARKS, GET SET, GO ………


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