I put on my pearl earrings and my black twinset. Paired with my gray knee length swirly skirt and straight long hair brushed out, I look very conservative, hopefully a bit maternal. As in all things, I must accessorize appropriately.
I wanted to make a good impression. It’s not everyday a girl gets to meet with her fertility specialist. One never knows if he makes a decision on who should or should not be a mom depending on what she looks like. I tried to exude a nice, professional if not humorous air. As if I want a kid, but I’m not biting my nails and I am certainly not one of those obsessive women in the forums I’ve lurked on trying to glean bits of info on the real life effects of the drugs that have been prescribed.
I’ve been kind of quiet over here on Heisse Scheisse for the last long while, but that does not mean life has been quiet by any means.
I’ve had to make a lot of decisions lately that are have a zero “Do-Over” tolerance. One of those decisions came about when my beloved OB/Gyn said “Jen, its now or never. I can’t promise to keep the baby maker healthy for much longer. Please go talk to Dr. Lovely Eyes.”
Today’s news was not great. Apparently with my medical history, hormone history and age, Dr. LE is not quite sure how much time I have left. He prefers to start with IVF in four months if the injectables don’t work by then.
“Well, Jennifer. With your history, the use of Drug G will give you an 85% chance of twins. You need to be okay with this possibility before we continue.”
“You know, I am okay with that. I consider having only one child child/societal abuse* and since I might have only one shot at this, I’d like to make it as efficient as possible. If we could go ahead and schedule twins and a C-section with a tummy tuck, I think we’re good. Time is a limited commodity, and all.”
I was only sort of joking and I think he caught that because there were crickets after that mouthful.
So I had the full battery of tests and picked up a prescription for an injectable drug to be started on my next cycle.
Hmm. Well. Okay then.
This has come not out of the blue, but on the top of relationship decisions which lead to whether or not I stay in Germany and for how long decisions, which lead to employment decisions which lead back to baby decisions.
I knew this day was coming. I have been struggling with the multitude for quite sometime. My general attitude has been to let go and let the gods decide. I can’t leave for a while anyway so let’s let this decision go for a while. Since I’m here, I might as well do this. Since I’m doing this I can wait on that.
Am I being vague? Yes, I am. Do I want to go further into this line of thought? Not really. I don’t want to go into it privately, with friends, with a therapist or in my head, let alone on paper, or Internet paper as the case may be.
However, is taking a fertility drug really letting the gods decide? I’m making a conscious choice. One that will have everlasting effects on all the other decisions I haven’t wanted to make. So what am I doing? Exactly, what do you think you are doing, Ms. M? Making decisions by proxy? Letting circumstances decide your future?
Or is it faced with the reality that I might not have a family ever because I’ve put it off for so long by not making the right choice when I should have, I’m panicking and making the only decision of which I am sure? I want kids. I want a family. When all is said and done, regardless of what continent I live on and who is in my life, I really do want children.
So all those decisions and what has resulted? A trip to the babymaker extrodinaire. We’ll see where I am in a few months. Otherwise I’m just goose stepping to the rhythm.
However, if I become one of those crazy hormonal women with little tags that say “Go, Spermy Go!”, I give you permission to kick my ass.
*Before I go into how only children tend to be a bit on the selfish side and only know how to share because they get to, to show how generous they can be, not because they HAVE to and all that entails, let me just say I know a few only children and that might not give me the right to judge them all, but I gives me the right to judge enough to know I do not want to do that to society at large. And as god as my witness I will not share my drink, so don’t ask. (Obviously the oldest child, here.)
And my relationship with my siblings is such that I would want my child to have a chance to experience the same. Also, “only” children have the sole responsibility for aging parents and I think this is awful. No one should have to deal with that alone.