Where I’ve been and a BIG Thank You to Carol

So I’ve been MIA for a while.  I’m finding it harder and harder to get up enough enthusiasm these days to blog.  As life in the real world becomes more complicated, I tend to hide from all worlds.

I was in Spain and had a blast with my little sister. I found that my German inproved greatly when trying to  speak my university Spanish with the Catalans who speak Catalan.  In fact, my German has never been better than the morning I woke up to one of Mim’s roommates slamming the pots and pans in the kitchen at 6 am.  The only Spanish I could come up with was “Dos cervesas, por favor.”  Without even trying, I spoke in perfect German.  I probably could have discussed Goethe and his influence on Germany and the world at that moment.

I was also in Barcelona when I figured out I was pregnant.  It started with the weirdest side effect, fear of heights.

I was with Gaudi on a Thursday evening, up on the roof of Casa Mila in awe of his talent and creativity when I noticed I was a little woozy.  Woozy in the “afraid of heights” kind of woozy. It wasn’t a big deal, just that I wasn’t very comfortable up on the fenced in roof top as I would normally be.  The panic attack up on top of La Sagrada Familia is what allowed me to see that Jeff and Mim weren’t in fact being big babies and should just put on their big girl pants and suck it up when faced with a castle wall or open floor plan in a hotel. I could not stop shaking.

I’m not afraid of heights.  At all.  Never have been.  I have done very stupid things in very high places because I’ve never seen height as a factor.  The wondertwins are,not me.

I tried not to think about being pregnant, but I kept getting smacked with it.  From the gorgeous rack I quickly developed and that I had not seen since I was 19 to my liebhaber, coffee, making me horribly sick to extreme tiredness to just “knowing”.  However, I was not going to think about it as a real possibility until the blood test.  I refused to even take a pee test because it would jinx it.

I flew home on a Thursday night and had a blood test on Friday.  Confirmed pregnancy.

I miscarried late last week.

This is where I have to thank Carol.

I had a total freak out a few days after the blood test.  A freak out of the “What the hell am I doing being pregnant or even thinking I should have a kid.  I’m too selfish, I’m too old, I’m too crazy, I’ll never get to Tel Aviv, let me re-evaluate my marriage” type of freakout.

I woke Sparky up at 4 am one morning to share the freakout.  He, strangely, was not freaking out.  Sparky was happy, elated, glowing and happy.

Carol talked me off that ledge.  I really honestly do not know what I would have done without Carol.   I was so out of my head about making a huge mistake and then hating myself for even thinking that because I’ve wanted kids for so long and I’m going to extraordinary lengths to have kids.  I felt that I had no right at all to feel that way, especially since my risk of miscarriage was/is so incredibly high.  How dare I have those feelings?

Carol had me skype her, at 2 am her time on her anniversary, to talk to me. And I felt so much better after.  I had no idea that those could be normal feelings.  I didn’t even think about hormones.  She helped me get perspective.  And look at her kids.  How do I make sure I have kids like that and not kids like Sparky and I?  We’ve complained about shitty kids so often we are sure to have them.

Then I miscarried.

I have a lot of feelings about it, but none of the guilt I thought I would have and I have Carol to thank for that.

And that freakout and that miscarriage gave me solid foundation of knowledge that perhaps I won’t get to Tel Aviv, but I do want a family and now that I have been pregnant, have had the freakout and then miscarried, I’m thankful.  I can make these decisions with that unique perspective and hopefully when I’m pregnant again, the freakout can be supplemented with the real knowledge that this is what I want.


17 thoughts on “Where I’ve been and a BIG Thank You to Carol

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss. You now know what you want and that it is possible so when the time comes again I think you’ll be ready.
    Kids beat travel any day. And don’t worry, by two, they are pretty portable!


  2. Oh sweetie! I wish I could give you a big ol’ hug… or at least share some awesome coffee with you… or a martini… or sangria… something. Adding to what Andrea says– between oh, 6 weeks and 2, they are pretty portable too. The Boy has been all over the place… Europe, US, sporting events, dedications… you can still get to Tel Aviv! 🙂

  3. I am so sorry for your loss. As I read your post, I rode that roller coaster with you and in the end, this bit of prose came to mind…

    To My Child by Anne Campbell

    You are the trip I did not take;
    You are the pearls I cannot buy;
    You are my blue Italian lake;
    You are my piece of foreign sky.

    I hope you get your heart’s desire.

  4. I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage! But it sounds like you’ve got great friends, a great hubbie, and a great outlook to help you through this. And I agree with Andrea and Maria, Oliver’s been pretty portable so far! Kids don’t mean the end of travel. 🙂

  5. sweetness, you are getting a huge hug from me right now. i’m so sorry, but also amazed and inspired by your capacity to change & grow & share & just plain deal with the scheisse. you are the best (& will only get better with age & motherhood & whatever else comes your way).


  6. oh jen, it sounds like you’ve had a bumpy few weeks. i’m so sorry about the miscarriage. my friend lost her second one a couple of months into the pregnancy but figured it was for a reason. that was in feb and she’s already pregnant again, just reached her third trimester now and they are looking forward to kid #2. you will be great parents. the crazy ones are the best 😉

  7. Looks like you have some wonderful support from those who love you and you know for sure what you want. These are great things. I’m sorry for the sadness along the way, but happy for you that you’re on the path you want to be on.

    Tel Aviv will still be there and I can’t see kids cramping the style of someone like you.

  8. So sorry to hear the news. I know exactly how you feel. Went through similar in April. Trying for 20 months. Nothing. Then all the right symptoms but the wrong outcome. I cried for 2 days, had to go to hospital to clear me from an ectopic (thankfully okay). Much like you I was confused about having a family before. Perhaps it was holding me back? Now I know and I’m trying again.

    I wish you the best of luck and hope that this was a case of your body having a dry run, ready for the next one. It does happen to so many of us, so we’re not alone, even if it feels that way sometimes.

    I send you big hugs.

  9. Oh, and for a while I couldn’t write, either. But I’m pleased to see you’re writing again now!

  10. I’m really sorry to read the news.
    But as you said, the next time will be better for you. There will be a point of reference which you can look upon, and you will have more knowledge about how your body and mind are going to react to it.
    ((Internet Hugs))
    I wish for you all the best.

  11. I am so sorry, but sometimes tragedy makes us realize how much we really want something. You sound like you have come to terms with your ambivalence. I love Spain and would love to speak Catalan. I speak French and some Spanish, plus German.

  12. I remember having similar feelings to you when I found out I was pregnant. Luckily after many scares, lots of bleeding and loss of his twin early on, i had my eldest.
    Hugs to you and Sparky, I sure the two of you will make fantastic parents.

  13. Thank you. I really appreicate the support and the e-mails.
    Gina.Maria – that poem is lovely. thank you.

    Wish us luck with the next try.

  14. Jen,

    So sorry for your loss .. The universe has a pretty odd way of kicking us when we’re down but at least you now know you’re physically capable of getting there. Good luck and have fun with all the future trying !

    So glad you came back to blog. The world is a boring place without you to read. Look how much you were missed !!

  15. Jen, I am so, so sorry that this happened. But if it gave you an idea of what you want, and what you don’t want, then, (as you so aptly put it) “make that lemon into sangria”!

    I think you’re handling it well, and that’s a good sign for the future in itself. And yup–enjoy yourself. I remember at one point telling the Man–“I don’t care if I DON’T get pregnant for a bit longer–I’m having too much fun TRYING!”

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