Best to Stay Far, Far Away From Me Today

I have lost all my politeness. Really, I’m rather cranky and the following is a short list of why I am cranky today (yesterday):

  • Some butt wipe choosing the locker right under mine at the gym when there are no fewer than 59 (I counted) other lockers to chose from. Really? You really want to be beneath that one locker with the red light indicating it is taken? Really? Oh, then act shocked when you come in to my aisle and find that wow, the one other person with a locker in that aisle is there. While you’re struggling to get your things out as I’m lotioning up, you can go ahead and kiss my ass.

  • Stopping with a grocery cart in the middle of the aisle when I’m behind you. Start thinking of these situations as if you are in a car. You stop suddenly in a car and hopefully I’ll have enough distance not to hit you, not because I am a nice person because I’m not. I’d really like to hit you, give you a little lesson in how to drive with your head out of your ass. No, I don’t hit you because my car is gorgeous and I don’t want to pay higher insurance costs. Stop suddenly in an aisle and i have no such qualms. My cart will ride up the back of your heel and I’ll apologize and try to make my face look like I mean it.
  • Stand back when I’m paying for my groceries. How much I spend is none of your beeswax and neither are the contents of my wallet/handbag. Are tampons really that exciting? Stop staring, you nosy busybody. This is followed closely by actually touching me when I’m paying for my groceries. I’m am so sorry, I didn’t notice you there when I turned suddenly with my elbow.
  • Women drivers who give the rest of us a bad name. Every. Single. Time. Sadly, I know and love some of these women, Mim.

  • When someone reeks at the gym and only after holding my nose and making faces do I realize it’s me.
  • When my French press strikes back and hot coffee spurts all over my clean white tee-shirt. I need a fucking coffee machine already. I’ve done my time with the manual shit.
  • When the phone rings at 5 am and my standard “Who died?” is not met with my brother drunkenly professing his love, but rather my sister with a sobering “Grandma.” And worse, as my Dad said, It’s too early for dead grandmother jokes.

I’m a cranky pants today. I’m going to go dare people to fuck with me.

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5 thoughts on “Best to Stay Far, Far Away From Me Today

  1. Very sorry to hear about your Grandmother (and mentally erasing whatever wisecrack I was cooking up about uplanned stops mid-aisle in the grocery store).

    -a

  2. I’m sorry to hear about your Grandma, Jen. I’m sending long distance hugs to you. I can lend you Ginger, if necessary. 😉

  3. Oh, Sweetie, I’m so sorry. Is this John’s mother? She was so sweet. Killer lasagna, if I remember correctly. I’ll be thinking of you…

    Hugs,

    -D (aka S)

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