We Have a Jumper*

So, that secret that was so difficult to keep.  So difficult in fact that everyone guessed?

I’m knocked up. Surprise!

I had to wait until we saw an actual heartbeat before I felt like I wasn’t jinxing it.  Not that I don’t feel like I’m jinxing it everyday, but you know what I mean.

After months of planning romantic trips (Paris, Trier, a funeral) to make the doctor’s order to “Have intercourse as many times as possible over the next 36 hours” seem less like a mandate, it turns out all we needed was a wedding, copious amounts of red wine (I really like how “copious” works with “red wine”) and the Sisters of Mercy.

Let’s just say that this little guy was determined once it looked like we were having some fun even though he wasn’t due for a few more days.* Then he hid out, fooling the blood test until after my Fairy Godmother (my doctor) left on vacation.  I took home pregnancy tests the following week, in secret, because I thought I was being stupid and all the signs pointing to pregnancy were really hormonal side effects. The tests, all of four of them, were positive and another pint of blood was taken and lo and behold, I’m knocked up.

He stuck the landing and he’s hanging out doing what embryos do.

I have freaked myself out approximately 27 million times since the positive tests and I am no longer allowed to research anything pregnancy related on the Internet.  My doctor has forbidden it.  So has Sparky.  And my sister.

My sister is now the keeper of knowledge. If I want to know something, she looks it up and gives me the gist. I also cannot go to the gym for a few more weeks. I finally got an un-forged note to get out of PE.

I’m high risk so there is still a chance of losing him, but I grow more secure as the days go on.

Every time I go back to the doctor, I hold my breath, thinking that he’ll be gone this time, but he’s not. He’s bigger.  Right now he’s the size of a lentil bean, but last week he was the size of a sesame seed.

So that’s it.  I have a lot more to say about it, but it’s hard to make it funny and frankly, I don’t want to bore everyone with the minutiae that is involved with fertility treatments.  I was starting to feel like Pete Doherty I was shooting up so much. Except instead of the getting high part, I had mood swings and hot flashes.

My family is thrilled and can’t wait until we have a new little one to love and harass.  My dad is already buying the candy he plans on feeding this kid.

My sister and brother really want twins which is highly unlikely since every part of this conception was monitored and Dr. G would have noticed.  They want me to name a boy Optimus.  Optimus is not an option, guys.  I will not name my child after a Transformer.

Wish me luck and cross your fingers.  We have a few more weeks before I can really start to believe it, before I’m no longer worried about jinxing and before I stop feeling myself up to make sure things that should be sore still are sore.

So, there we go.  On to a new chapter.

* This was what Sparky said when Dr. G told us on a very hungover Sunday morning (we got home at 7am and had a 12 noon appt. That’s how good of a night it was) that we, uh, had better get busy because my part of the reproduction equation was ready to go, days ahead of schedule and without an injection.


32 thoughts on “We Have a Jumper*

  1. Dude, in a few weeks he will look like a duck. And then you will have your very own Donald. Have fun and relax. It is the beginning of an adventure!

  2. Oh my God! I’m speechless! And so happy for you!

    Ok I’ll be setting up lots of weird good luck totems and and voodoo and things.

  3. Yippee! I had a feeling with the smell thing. Or were you even pregnant then, LOL?! Congratulations and good luck, this will be fun to read about, I have a feeling!

  4. @headbang – Wineless Whiner? No whayyyy.

    My wife’s doctor – a Hong Kong Chinese who got his MD in Scotland – recommended she take a shot of whisky every now and then during her pregancy. He wasn’t kidding!

    Can we all pat your tummy and go aaaawwww in Bremen?

  5. Your mentioning Optimus completely out of context, it was IF you had 2 and named one the harassment inducing name you have planned

  6. I’ll add another congraulations to the long list. I’m so happy for you both. Soon it (I always hate using that pronoun) will be the size of a lima bean and no longer have a tail! This little fish is hopefully a keeper. The first three months are the weirdest. After that it gets easier. 🙂

  7. That is the best news I have seen online in AGES ! Congratulations 🙂

    I am beside myself with happiness for you and Sparky, and wish you both an un-hormonal and un-nauseous journey for the next few months ! (hey I can WISH it !)


  8. Super-Fantabulous! I’m so proud of both (oops, ALL THREE) of you! If this doesn’t get my (ever-hotter) ass to Europe, nuttin’ will. Do we have a due date? Obviously, you’ll need some non-stream-of-visitor bonding time right after, but soon after, you may want an experienced Papa to allow you & the Sparkster to have an outing or two (or three). And you know I LOVE Northern Europe in June — sunset @ 11pm.

    BTW, I’m sure you would have Malcolm’s whole-hearted support, should you name the critter Optimus.

    Much to tell you about my so-called single life…



  9. I officially give you permission to contact me any time, day or night, to ask or tell me anything about pregnancy! The Internet is a GREAT friend during pregnancy — why the kabosh!

    In any case, HUGE CONGRATULATIONS!! The baby’s due in… May?

    Love and hugs,

    Auntie Carol

  10. just what i need – another girlfriend with child.. j/k 🙂 you know i’m beyond happy for you guys and all my positive vibes for the little one to get stuck real good and continue to grow and make you all round and pretty(er) 🙂

  11. Congrats! Does that you will sit with the “expats with children table?” or the table with actual conversation going on that doesn’t involve milk wiping up or diaper changing? 🙂

  12. Danielle,

    I surely hope we can fight our biological urges and NOT become one of these “new parents who think the world revolves around them just because they reproduced”.

    Good luck to us.

  13. @Sparky

    Honey, you can fight it all you want, but you will become one of us. It is nature’s way of making sure that we don’t forget about and accidently kill our kids.

  14. It’s actually more “congratulations” than good luck, though of course I wish you both 🙂

    And I’ve gotta say that I am just chortling at the fun I am going to have reading about the next 7 1/2 months.

    And even more at the fun of what happens after what a friend of mine would refer to as the “kleine scheisse” finally shows up!

  15. Many, many, many congratulations! Here’s the best parenting advice I ever received:

    Never be afraid to show your child you’re fallible. And in return they’ll bestow such wisdom and perfect clarity that you’re left wondering who’s the begetter & who’s the begotten.

    (and don’t forget to make Sparky change the kitty litter!)

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