I feel sick. I ate too many M&M’s. I’m feeling fat and we all know that eating too much candy is a perfect way to combat feeling fat. My boobs are massive and it seems overnight my stomach has its own zip code and that zip code is right next to the zip code my boobs inhabit.
I’m only in the last week of my fourth month. What am I going to look like next month or god forbid in 5 months? I spent two years losing close to 200 lbs. Then I spent 6 months on fertility drugs to get pregnant. It’s not like I didn’t know I’d be gaining weight, but it was more in theory. I guess it’s like finally realizing that the pregnancy doesn’t end with a “Beam him out, Scotty” kind of thing. Only after getting pregnant did I fully realize that the end of this ride was painful – no matter how it’s done. Only now am I realizing I’m going to get fat again. I hated being fat and it’s not like I have ever been skinny, but I had gotten into a size 16 jean and that was quite the accomplishment from where I had been.
I feel like I’m supposed to really embrace this time, enjoy my new body, but you know what? It’s just my old body. I walked hundreds of kilometres to get away from that body. I went on an all liquid diet for two months (Dr. prescribed and observed). I didn’t even look at a carbohydrate for 2.5 years. You couldn’t even say the word “carb” around me. It was protein shakes and lean meats and veggies. The motivator was trying on my clothes as I lost weight and doing one of those step-into-one-of-the-legs-of-my-old-jeans kind of thing to keep me going.
Now? I can’t diet, but I’m eating healthily. I’m still on limited exercise because we want Loki to stay where he is, so it’s not like I can sweat it out to the oldies.
I’ve gained 6 pounds in this pregnancy so far, but it looks like so much more. How does that work? My face is plumper and my boobs. Jesus. Sparky looked at me the other night and said. “Wow. Loki certainly isn’t going to starve.”
I had no hopes of that cute basketball belly. Losing 200 pounds leaves its mark, but I thought that maybe I could look pregnant and not just fat.
I’m going home in 2 weeks and for the last three years, I’ve gone home looking better and better. This year, not so much. And I swear, if anyone tries to touch my stomach, I’ll deck them.
So yeah, I’ve eaten the entire bag of M&M’s. Sparky is at the gym and I’m going to go fold the clothes that no longer fit and be grateful that I didn’t get rid of all my fat pants because honey, even the fat jeans are looking a little tight.