Wanna sure fire way to become very happy with your skin tone, regardless of age?
Contract the rotavirus, puke non-stop for four days with the added bonus of uh, issues of the other end, stop all consumption of liquids because said liquids start you puking for hours at a time.
Then look in the mirror.
I promise you a couple of things. One, very fast weight loss. Two, you will quickly come to understand the necessity of a good moisturizer. Three, you’ll instantly have that Oscar-nomination look of Kate Winslet as an old woman in The Reader.
Got home yesterday from an additional four day drip-fest stay at the local hospital thanks to said virus. It only took the Voo-Doo Dr. Phlebotomisogyonist 6 sticks to get an IV in after the initial IV blew the vein. He didn’t speak English, but seemed to understand the phrase “Sonofabitch!”. In my defense, it was only after the fifth hand stick in which the needled ended up on my actual wrist bone which he then flicked to try and open the vein which was closed because uh, I don’t know, severe dehydration. Seriously, that man was far too calm in causing pain through needles not to be a.) a voodoo priest or b.) a very experienced sadist. I’m sure there are chicken bones around his house. I look like a heroin addict only with more bruises and needle holes.
They gave me good drugs to stop the vomiting, but chose to give me yeast pills to stop the other symptom. (I just hate that word. I can’t even type it.) Well, that didn’t do anything but add severe gas to an already explosive situation. Not a good idea. This was my other less than friendly moment. Let’s just say that at my stage of pregnancy, I’m not getting up from horizontal position very fast. Add an IV pole and the need to find house shoes, getting to the bathroom fast was insane. I think it was when I grabbed the doctor’s coat and demanded real drugs, “…no more bullshit natural remedies…adding nitrous to the gas tank.”, that he finally understood that I’m not a big fan of his yeast cure. I had real drugs within minutes and sleep within hours and finally on the mend.
Loki is fine. In fact, he was fine the entire time. He was fine when he was kicking me in the stomach causing me to puke for an hour. He was fine when they did the ECG machine on him and he kicked the paddle out of the technician’s hand. He really did not like that machine and after U-booting towards my spinal column when the paddles touched my belly, he’d give it about 15 minutes before kicking non-stop until they removed the paddles. Seriously, he was so active and strong while I was so weak and pathetic, I started to feel like he had heard my complaints about boats and basements and was looking for an alternate way out ala Alien. At this point, I think I prefer the old-fashioned way, thanks.
By the time I was hospitalized, I was pretty much out of it. I tried to, you know, walk it off, so to speak until Sparky threw me in the car and insisted I see my doctor who then insisted I go directly to the hospital.
The ironic part of this story is that I had a kids virus. It was just days before with Claire and Tilman that I was bitching about this particular illness and the homeopathic, granola crunching moms who don’t vaccinate their kids and then give them sugar pills and host chicken pox parties.
As I recovered in quarantine in the local Gothika hospital (I played the Halle Berry part to the old crazy man down the hall), I had a very stern convo with Loki about how I was sure I picked this thing up at Segmueller in the kids department because some parent thought it would be a good idea to have their sick kid around people.
I’m exhausted and will be back in better form later in the week. I have zero stamina these days and really all humor aside, I was pretty scared. I’ve decided to take it easy and NOT push myself.
Oh and I have construction starting tomorrow! Like the timing?