Not My Typical Pussy Post

knitted_kitteh1I’ve been trying to figure out how to start this post for a day now and the best way seems to just come out with it.  This post is about vaginas and not in a sexy way. If this could possibly offend you OR you’re just not that interested in vaginas, come back tomorrow, although I might not post tomorrow because all my words could have been sucked up by my vagina.

We went to the Elternabend (Parents Night) at the hospital where Loki is registered to make his appearance.  I was a 12-year-old boy the entire time.  I don’t know why, perhaps it’s my angst, perhaps I’ve just never matured.  Even Sparky was more mature.  I don’t think he had one inappropriate thought the entire time.  Well, there was the one “Boom Chica Bow Wow” song he sang when confronted with what I assume was a birthing chair. It did look like it could be a really interesting piece of sex furniture.

It could be the Uni-Klinik’s way of weeding out those who aren’t mature enough to be parents from those who are. In which case, Loki will be taken from me at birth and given to the somber couple sitting in the row in front of us.

It started with the auditorium or rather the Hoersaal.  You see where this is going.  All I could think and say was “Whore-Saal, Whore-Saal.”  I mean really, it was like I had seen the word Ausfahrt for the first time.  I just couldn’t stop giggling. All those knocked-up women in one room, the whore room. How appropriate.  Is this a German regulation – ALL PREGNANT WOMEN TO THE WHORE ROOM, PLEASE, OR WE WILL CALL THE SCHWANGERSCHAFTSAMT.

vagOnce we got to the uh, auditorium, it was filled with about 40-45 couples.  More pregnant women in one room than I’ve actually ever seen.  The first thing to enter my mind was “Oh my god, so many vaginas.  And they are all going to be stretched out.”   I really could only picture vaginas. I’m sure the women had faces, but it was like a Woody Allen movie for a few minutes. There were no women.  Only vaginas and baby heads.

My next thought was that Elternabend at the local maternity ward is probably the worst place on earth to pick up chicks. Everyone was coupled. This led me to the men which led me to the obvious conclusion that everyone in the room had had sex. Then I pictured all these couples having sex.  It wasn’t real pretty. It might sound all sexy, but it wasn’t.   It’s like making your own porn.  Sounds all sexy and stuff, but in reality, watching it might take you months of therapy to get over the trauma.

My third thought was about how much flatulence could technically be released over the three hour period with 45 pregnant women in one room.

I should not be allowed to pro-create.

I understand the vagina part.  Up until now, I have equated childbirth with the ruination of my vagina.  Yes, I think about the pain, but as that part has been addressed to my satisfaction, I am more worried about the after effects.

I have the Heidi Klum of vaginas.  Not only is it naturally gorgeous, fit and friendly; it is the only body part I have ever worked out regularly.  I learned about Kegels when I was 19 and Heidi and I have been fast friends ever since.

Some may think I’m shallow. Hell, I feel like it might be a little shallow, but you know what, I’m worried.  I fretted over my blow job skills when I had my tonsils taken out, childbirth is a way bigger deal than tonsils (they were extremely large tonsils).

Sex isn’t the biggest part of my life, but it is important.  I’m 36.  I’ve had years to focus on it and let me tell you, when I focus, I FOCUS. I worked hard when I was younger to become the master of my own domain, exploring sex in its many different forms and functions, getting to know myself and others, learning how to explore this arena in an emotionally healthy way.   I never felt inhibited by anything but the limitations I placed on myself and frankly, I have few of those.

I ‘ve been reproductively challenged and worked hard to get and stay pregnant.  Does it feel wrong to worry about something as trivial as my vagina?  Sort of, when I look at the bigger picture. Then I remember that even though I’m going to be a mother, I’m not giving up being a sexual woman. Or perhaps that is the fear. Then I get defiant.  My vagina is not trivial.

Things work really great right now.  Perfectly even.  After Loki, aka Big Head Todd, comes through that door, will it all work properly again or is this it?

No one can really say.  I have girlfriends who still have problems.  I KNOW women who have had vaginal prolapse and incontinence, permanently.  I also know women who are just fine, a couple of weeks and a lot of Kegels and they are good to go.

My doctor promised me a healthy baby and swore up and down I’d be fine, but I’ve had root canals go horribly wrong. Childbirth is a bit more complicated.

Is it a problem for me if I have a healthy baby at the cost of a healthy sex life?  How does one answer that?  I want both.

The truth is this probably isn’t really about my vagina.  It’s that I know, in my guts, that life as I know it will cease to exist and this terrifies me.

*Spell check did not like the word “vaginas”.  There is a different spelling for the plural, but I 1. Cannot bring myself to use it and 2. Cannot bring myself to say it, without giggling.

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11 thoughts on “Not My Typical Pussy Post

  1. Girl, you crack me up!!! I had similar – albeit not quite so um, graphic – thoughts when we toured the hospital.

    Hey – what did they tell you about pain management??? I am curious (and don’t want to scare you …)

  2. “I’ve had root canals go horribly wrong. Childbirth is a bit more complicated.”
    Your body knows what to do during childbirth, if you listen to it. Root Canals are externally managed no matter what. 😉

    None the less, I think my sex life is better post-baby in spite of all the complications– like having to put on a tv show to sneak in to the bedroom. LOL! The whole “sneaking around” aspect is a whole lot of fun!

  3. First of all, what’s there to be offended about? You always make me laugh my head off. But, hey, lady, cut it out with the vagina obsession already! Vaginas have memories like elephants. Really, you will be FINE, your lady garden will spring right back into shape in no time and your body is MADE to do this. Also, women who have never had children can experience prolapses and incontinence too – neither of those are necessarily caused by childbirth and if you do happen to end up with one or both, there are solutions out there.

  4. Look, Jen, even if the worst happens and your worst expectations come to pass, don’t assume that your love life will be sunk. Just look at it as a new frontier to explore, so to speak. Time to get creative with your love life again!

    Anyway, odds are you’re going to have to be figuring out WHEN you have the time (and the energy) for what Monty Python called “thingy” for the first few months, never mind whether it’s going to be what it was pre-Loki.

    Which it will. It’s just that “different” isn’t necessarily a bad thing!

  5. Oh my GAWD, I’m still giggling!
    … and as for Headbang and his “tastier synonyms”…
    I’m afraid that I can no longer breathe!

  6. A: They told me the moment I want an epidural I get one. I’m holding my doctor to that. Should I BE scared?

    Maria: You know, i was just telling Sparky how odd it is that I really do know my body better and yet very differently than i ever thought I would with this experience. I seem to know what I need up until this point so i can see how listening to it in labor is the right way to go.

    Ian: Where i wanted a c-section before – i have vast amounts of plastic surgery ahead of me anyway so the scar is not a problem – I don’t want to be laid up that long anymore. I would prefer a “beam him out” approach that the misogynistic medical community doesn’t seem to think is important. 😉

    Headbang8: The synonyms were there, I was just trying to be more mature. Seriously, the v word is the worst.

    Christina: Lady Garden. I like that. I KNOW. I’m trying not to obsess, but as I don’t have a kid yet, I can’t help it. I mean, Loki’s room’s not painted yet and won’t be for another 2 weeks, but I’m not obsessing on that. There are a ton of things i need to get done, but i seem to forget about them the moment I think about them. Sparky is blaming the hormones which seem to have gone into overdrive lately.

    LL: You and my therapist, no wonder i like you so much. Yes, i can re-frame the situation, but man, on this side of the experience, I’m a little worried.

    Snooker: I really wanted to use cooter for Ian, but again, I was trying to be mature.

    Kim: I couldn’t actually find the a knitted squish mitten so I made due with a vulva. Look up knitted vagina on the internet. there are a few out there.

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