Nothing Happening

Do you hear that?  Its the sound of crickets over here at the House of Flying Cats or Heisse Scheisse Central.

Nothing is happening.

All prep work is done.  Baby room is complete. The rest of the house is in order.  Laundry is done. Windows are sparkling.  The basement hasn’t been cleaned out, but I’ve come to terms with that.

The suitcase is by the door.  The infant seats are in the respective cars.

Groceries are purchased. Extra meals made and frozen.  Cat litter stocked.

All three mammoth pregnancy/birth books read.  Slightly smaller breastfeeding book has been read.

Midwife sessions finished. I know how to squat, but apparently I’m too lady-like.  I need to spread my legs more (I’ve NEVER heard that before.)  Baby care class completed.  Sparky now knows how to change a doll’s diaper.

I can’t sit up anymore.  I can’t sit in chairs because Loki’s feet press up into my lungs and I can’t breath.  This is fine because I’m so freakin’ tired, all I want to do is sleep, but I’m so freakin’ big, I can’t find a position that doesn’t cause some body part to go numb.

Where is Loki throughout this? Didn’t I say that he and i had talked and there was an agreement that April 17th would be the day?

Either he doesn’t have a calendar in there or he forgot.  Someone get this kid an iPhone.  He can start tweeting about his life.  “Kicked mom in the lung just now with a nice punch to the bladder.”  “Mom’s talking again – Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah” “Why exactly do I want to leave?”

See I’m taking the high road and not accusing my unborn of malicious acts of stubbornness.

He’s just hanging out.  Getting bigger and bigger.  Kicking harder and harder.  Getting bigger and bigger. Did I mention the bigness factor?

I’m as big as a whale.  Good thing I have a bathtub built for a whale because my back hurts so bad, I’m in there more than not. I can’t turn over in bed without help.  I can barely get out of bed without help. and the cats torment my nights by walking across my face. They know I can’t move fast enough to get them.  And even if i could, I can’t bend to pick them up.

Loki.  You have been warned.  Come out or I’m coming in after you.


3 thoughts on “Nothing Happening

  1. This is awesome. I went into labor 3 weeks before I was due and was NOT ready at all. In fact, my water broke as I was cooking more meals to freeze. You probably guessed where this is going- when I came home 3 days later, there was the half assembled Shepherd’s pie still on my counter!

    Consider yourself lucky…(ok kind of – I am sure you are pretty uncomfortable)

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