If I were a prisoner of war, I’d have fourteen scratch marks on the wall.  At one point I could count on the Geneva Convention to protect me from sleep deprivation. I’m lucky if I can brush my hair in the morning, let alone my teeth.  Make-up?  What’s that?  My eyes are red rimmed and I’m pale inbetween my iron shots.  I look like a test rabbit AFTER the testing.  My wardrobe now consists of easy access tank tops.  Not for a random feel up as it used to be, but to give the kid easy access.  I am now a mom.

I am bone tired.  These days I have to chose between eating something other than a cookie, like a meal that has to be cooked or sleep. The last time I had to chose between food or sleep was after a long night at the bars.  Did I walk to McDonald’s for a cheeseburger and fries to absorb the alcohol or did I just crash?  Do I down a power bar and sleep or make a meal?  Who needs taste when sleep is an option?

These days, I’m shoving an entire slice of frozen pizza into my mouth as I dance a fussy infant around the house. Who knew I could FIT an entire slice of pizza in my mouth?

This is fucking hard.  I have no idea why people have more than one.  I have no idea how the species has survived because if it were up to me, we would have died out thousands of years ago. And you know what?  I have no idea what I’m doing.  All those books?  the info has fled my head.  I’m working off pure instinct.  I hope we can sufficiently save for Max’s therapy bills because I have a feeling they’ll be expensive.

Breastfeeding is hard.  He and I have the latch on down, but the constant kid on my boob is driving me nuts.  Then he falls asleep and wants the boob for comfort.  I can’t stand the nibbling, but I pull him off and he wakes up screaming.  He does not want a pacifier because believe me, after my initial guilt for trying to pawn off the comfort to a synthetic item, I have no qualms now.  Yet, he doesn’t want the the binky.  He just wants the boob.  He hates the binky.

Did I mention the mammoth sized boobs.  I have to pump a little before I feed him just so he can get a good latch.  It’s only been two weeks.  I can’t imagine doing this for another 5.5 months, let alone years.  And the pump?  Can we just make the udder comparison? The indignity of it all.

That being said, Max is the sweetest smelling little bundle of love I have ever known.  He gives me those sweet little smiles (I don’t want to hear it’s just gas.  I’m up with him day and night, it doesn’t hurt to think those smiles are just for me.) and I melt. It gives me the ability to stay up another 45 minutes to rock him to sleep even though I’ve had only two hours sleep in the previous 24 hours.  My heart breaks into millions of pieces for him.  I never knew I could love so much.  It’s debilitating.

And my dear friend coffee?  Said adios.  He went the way of the Dodo.  If I drink coffee, Max drinks coffee. I made that mistake once.  Easier to say goodbye to Java Joe than to stay up all night with a kiddo on the junk.

I have his birth story simmering.  I just need more time to get it all down.  Overall the hospital was an absolute nightmare of third world proportions.  I’m not even kidding.  I have witnesses.  I left after 28 hours, no sleep, no attention from hospital staff for either Max or myself and terse phone call to Sparky to get his wife and his son the fuck out after they tried to take him out of the ward, in a car driven by god only knows to another facility to ultrasound his hips not because they thought there was actually anything wrong, but because Jeff and I both have trick hips.  I was not allowed to accompany him.  It was a big fat “not on your life are you taking my baby ANYWHERE.”  He didn’t even have the right name on his wrist band that I had to insist on.  And really, it’s not like there is an ultrasound machine in the maternity ward or anything

All I can say is that it was a good thing Max was healthy and the delivery was relatively easy because I have no idea what we would have done if there was a problem.  It was so bad that I am still turning the entire situation over in my head.  I will never have another kid in Germany.

I went home to my dear auntie and a Sparky who were able to actually hold the baby so I could use the bathroom.  A follow up to Dr. G and a pediatrician and Max and I were given a clean bill of health.

In other good news, I am 15 pounds lighter than I was before I got pregnant. I can fit into almost all my pre-pregnancy clothes, save for my Calvins which I’m hoping to get into by 6 weeks.  In bad news, I’m even more saggy than I was.  So I’d say it was a wash.  A good plastic surgeon and I’m good to go.

I’m off to sleep a little.  Knowing Max, as soon as I close my eyes, he’ll be up again, but it’s worth a shot.



22 thoughts on “Week Two – ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???

  1. You’re where I was on week 2–save that breastfeeding was a dismal failure, SC would wail like a banshee unless she was held–ALL THE TIME!–and I had no blog to report the whole dismal mess on.

    Hang in there, cookie. It gets better. It gets SO much better.

  2. Looking at your picture, I don’t see tiredness. Just love.

    (Mind you, that’s easy for a childless male to say from a couple hundred miles distance, right?)

    And you’re right about the wisdom in Max’s eyes. He is an old soul, as the new agers would say.

  3. I know you love to look chic etc. etc. etc., but I love the picture of you. Congratulations!

  4. Two weeks…Kevin was on a road trip, The Boy was having a growth spurt, and I called my husband and told him I COULD NOT DO THIS! HIRE A NANNY! Fortunately it got easier, and we did not have a nanny after all.

    Breastfeeding– well, I tell everyone I know it takes around six weeks to feel good about it. Until then, rapid growth spurts, supply/demand issues, soreness, exhaustion make it seem horrible. If it had stayed like it was in the beginning, I would have quit long ago (29 months and counting…). I had a love-hate relationship with the pump. I still remember pumping at your place for the ladies weekend… I felt like such a freak, but oh well. I think Sparky liked the milk in your refrigerator. 😉

    People have more than one, because the memory of the hard times– well, that fades. Two years later, I do not really remember the pain of childbirth. Seriously? It hurt. My brain knows it hurt. Yet, I find myself saying– it wasn’t THAT bad. WHAT?

    Sorry to hear the hospital was so craptastic for you. That sucks, but birthing in the US is at least as hit or miss as any other country. My experience in Germany was good, and most of my friends in the US (ok, like half) chose home birth. Maybe Loki2 can be born at your place? 😉

    You look young, beautiful and radiant in the photo. I love it…and you! 🙂

  5. You look absolutely beautiful Jen. Motherhood, while exhausting, seems to be agreeing with you very much.

    It gets easier. The first weeks are so hard because it just gets overwhelming. It gets better though once you both get used to the way stuff works like feeding and napping and just being. It’ll get easier I promise.

  6. I have to agree with everyone – you look terrific. I know you must feel horrible but dang if being a mommy doesn’t agree with you!

    Max is one pretty baby boy. Just perfect.

  7. You look SO beautiful! And that little baby looks SO much like Sparky I can’t stand it.

    I know what you mean about forgetting every single word you’ve ever read about looking after a baby, but going on instinct is a GOOD thing – it will get you through just fine, and yes, some day in the not too distant future you’ll sleep again.

    Can’t wait to hear your hospital story – I totally get the third world thing, it’s like they’re back in the 70’s or something. And I really don’t get why they needed to do the hip ultrasound so early. They’re supposed to do it at a regular check-up a bit later on.

  8. Wich hospital was it? That sounds horrible. If I ever become pregnant; I won´t got there to deliver!
    By the way, you look so proud with your baby. He is very cute and so are you. The lack of sleep is hard, but as much as I have heard, a normal time. It will be over.
    In the first pic: Who is the one in the background lying on the floor?

  9. ..and in spite of it him (or more likely, because of him) u r clearly frakin’ GLOWING! i think that pic is the most beautiful i’ve ever seen u (& grrrl that is SAYIN’ something!).


  10. btw — he’s gonna be a pistol! i know. i have one. & i wouldn’t want it any other way (for either of us).

  11. jen, you look gorgeous. and you know i would tell you you look like sh*t if you did. you’re glowing and just beautiful. not from personal experience but from an bystander’s i can tell you, too: it’s going to get easier and SO.MUCH.BETTER. things like him clinging to your neck for a hug, “kissing you” with his slobbery mouth open, hearing him say “na du suesse maus” @ 20 months and so much more make it all worthwhile. and that’s just the godmother talk here. it must be so much better when they’re yours! 🙂

    PS: i’d shoot for the six month breastfeeding mark and if you want your boobs back then, it’s totally fine. just my opinion here. i wouldn’t stress too much about it and do what feels best for both of you 😉

  12. Well you look great, so I can only imagine what it would be like if you were getting a human allotment of sleep. Hats off Jen, it doesn’t sound easy.

    I’m scared by the hints of the hospital stories to come. Amazing how much difference a city appears to make (my sister-in-law being my basis of comparison).

    By the way, is that your husband lying unconscious on the ground in the background? I see feet. 🙂

  13. You are simply radiant!

    Make sure to start writing things down about different things he is doing. I always thought I would definitely remember when the first smile or burp or something would happen but 3 years later, the only memory I have is when I happened to write it on my calender.

  14. Hang in – every thirty days it gets a bit easier! With the first one, I thought the sleeplessness would never end, but really it does. And the smiles turn to laughter and sweet hugs and kisses.

  15. Jen, trust me on this: two weeks is the pinnacle of tough!! It was easier before two weeks and it’s easier after, but right at two weeks there’s this oh-my-fuckin’-GOD thing going on!

    You look MAHVELOUS, by the way! And I agree with Geoff — you look like you’re about 23 and a half.

    Love and hugs,


  16. You look beautiful and damn young, lady. You look at least 10 years younger! How do you do this?! I know it’s not easy but it’ll get easier. And your maternal glow looks so good on you.

    Little “Angel” is having her surgery Friday. If all goes well, my sex life is back but better, she might actually grow a halo and wings. Can you imagine her sweet for me as she was for you? That’s *my* dream. 🙂 Love & miss you.

  17. One word- colic? No Jennifer. One word- beautiful. And although Max is cute, I am talking to you. You look beautiful.

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