A Walk on the Wild Side

It’s been one of those days. Baby has grown over an inch in a week and for some reason, he is just not happy today.  Sparky is out with him right now in the carrier getting some much needed air so that I could get some quiet.

Now for a random walk through my brain.

I have had an on-going headache for the last week or so.  I finally remembered that I could take Tylenol only to find the lone Tylenol product in the house for adults was in the form of suppositories.  Yeah.  The headache was that bad.

I overheard Sparky call someone “Love” when he answered the phone yesterday.  I waited politely until he got off (the phone) to give him the third degree, Massana style.  You know to quietly and calmly ask why he was calling some ho slut bitch “Love” on the phone when I could barely get any fucking sleep and I’m so sick of that facebook Mafia Wars he plays and oh my god, how did he find time to call some other woman Love when I need him around the fucking house.  Turns out it wasn’t “Love”, but Olaf.  Yeah.  I had to eat that one.

I have a new destructive habit.  Not new, but since pregnancy.  I cannot get enough Wint-O-Green lifesavers or ice.  I’m chewing my tooth enamel off, but I just can’t stop.  I found a crack dealer Wint-O-Green supplier here in Germany and when I ordered FIVE bags of the Wint-O, they sent me an extra bag free like a good crack dealer should.  They are going to make so much money off of me.

I have, in the meantime, shot my wad at the local McDonald’s asking for extra ice.  They won’t do it anymore, citing, I kid you not, hygienic reasons. It’s not hygienic to give me extra ice in my cola light.  As pissed as I am about it, I’m mostly sad because they had the good chewing ice, little pellets of coldness that had a good cold to softness ratio that only an ice chewer can appreciate.

Note to self: Don’t make triple decadence brownies, say they’re for Sparky and then leave them on the counter. Less than 24 hours later they’re gone and Sparky doesn’t like chocolate.  Who ate THE ENTIRE PAN  ’cause it sure as hell wasn’t me?

Enter Kung Pao Cat aka Ollie. He’s about to become Chinese food.  We, Sparky and I, are now completely trained to wake up at 4 am by the sound of paws on the dresser pull.  Cling clang and one of us is up to “protect the sleeping baby” and feeding said Sichuan entree.  I have tried spraying the little fucker with water, but he seems to enjoy that, even so much as walking up to me, mid spray and licking from the bottle.  After his meal, he comes back to the bedroom, sits on my head and washes his unmentionables. I wish I could blame the brownies on KPC, but sadly, I cannot.

We have tried locking him out of the bedroom, locking him in the laundry room or Max’s room, but his wails are just as piercing as Max’s and it doesn’t work for long. He opens doors or he throws himself so hard against the walls that he changes his molecular composition and phases through them.  I swear that cat has opposable thumbs.

Speaking of cats: Scrunchy, after three weeks of collar wearing which translates into three weeks of not being able to lick any part of himself which translates into one smelly cat, has finally lost the collar.  It was sadly amusing to watch him walk into door jambs and walls because he wasn’t used to the width of the collar.

I am a mean, mean lady.

He spent 5 hours doing his laundry the moment the collar was tossed. Then he spent the next 19 hours sitting morosely on the Boppy as he had discovered that not only did we take his testicles long ago, but now his penis was gone too.  No more slurp, slurp in the middle of the night.

My dad and brother have finally bought their plane tickets.  As of October 1st, they’ll be here in Krautland.  I can’t wait. They are going to be muling some serious shit this time.  I’m talking Splenda AND Crystal Light.  Perhaps an exersaucer as I cannot find one here in this damn country.  Sure, I can find walkers galore, but not an exersaucer to save my life.  I’m sure if it had some sort of homeopathic property I could find it in every corner apotheke.

Hey Graco, just say that your Baby Einstein exersaucer has that Bachblueten crap in it, add a little water and bam, a whole new market.

Jeff, I have finally figured out, is pretty serious about his current girlfriend whom I have never met.  I asked for her e-mail address and he gave it to me, just like that.

I was floored.

He never allows me contact his girlfriends unless it is court-ordered and supervised.  I don’t know why, I’m always very nice and cordial.  It might have to do with my simple observation that his previous girlfriend was over 21 and still drinking pink wine, but I was very nice about it.

It might have been the time I asked one of his girlfriends if her mother knew she was out that late (she was a bit on the young side). Or it could have been the no purple nail polish rule – he should not date women who wore purple nail polish. I wanted to make the no Aquanet rule too, but that might have been taking it too far.

Anyway, she seems way cool and Jeff is very happy.  So I’m happy for him.  He totally deserves to be as happy as all us other married people.  Ha.

And that, my friends brings my free time to an end.  Max is gently calling me.

“Mother.  Oh Mother, please pick me up as soon as you’ve finished with whatever important task you are about.  I can wait patiently for you here in the nest that I’m too big for but refuse to sleep anywhere else except next to your boobies.”

I know that’s what he means by his hysterical screams.  Moms know these sorts of things.  I believe its the brain damage from lack of sleep or the ear damage from the screaming or a combination of both, like the powerful cleaning combination ammonia and bleach.

And the coloured girls go:
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo…

IMG_3351

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13 thoughts on “A Walk on the Wild Side

  1. Do you know anyone who is a member of the US Armed Forces based in Germany? They can give you access to the American stores on the base. They sell exer-saucers there. And lots of other American goodies. Including Splenda and Crystal Light.

    They also have these handy-dandy addresses called APO’s. American goodies can be sent to these APO’s with US domestic rates (or slightly more) AND without passing through customs.

    Invaluable connection. Especially when one has a baby.

    Give them lots of German beer. They probably don’t make enough to afford the good stuff. (We give them Swiss chocolate. Same idea.)

  2. GL: Yep. I know all about the beauty of the APO and the commissary. sadly, my connection moved back to the states. She was also my best friend so the sadness was more than my lack of Gap packages and Crystal light and tide and the occasional Twinkie, but I do miss that connection.

    Speaking of connections, how do you like your bed? We’re staying at the Westin specifically to check out that heavenly bed and if we like it, I’m getting one for my Birthday.

    Do you still like yours? ANything I should know?

  3. I remember seeing exersaucers at toys r us/babies r us while in Germany. Anyway, if I grew an inch in a week, I would be cranky too. 🙂

  4. Just saw your message. One hazard of leaving this window open for too long. Anyway, I still got a friend in Germany– but I believe he is now in Stuttgart. He can be bribed with good German beer, from what I hear. Let me know if you want me to call in a favor. 🙂

  5. Toys-r-us no longer carries them. yeah, i understand his crabbiness. He lost his little buddah belly in that growth spurt. And I’m feeding him as much as he wants, he’s just getting longer faster. he’s at 68 cm right now and 7 kilos.

    Maria, there isn’t much I wouldn’t do for a little base action. Beer is so low on the list. I’d hate for you to call in that favor. Perhaps if i get REALLY desperate.

  6. I grab Splenda from the UK on every visit, and make it a tax on every guest from Britain. Care to swap formats? I’m waaay overstocked on the little tablets.

  7. Beautifully written, Jen! Love how you just WROTE! I need to try that again someday. I keep thinking that I have to have something to SAY when I write. But — and please don’t take this the wrong way — sometimes a stream of consciousness is so much BETTER than having one damn thing to say.

    If you hadn’t posted a picture of Max you would have been in trouble. Mandatory from now on: a photo of Max on every post. Till he’s 18.

    Love you and miss you!

    Carol

  8. Those bastards! They don’t carry them anymore! MEANIES! OK. Let me know on the base. I’m there for you. 🙂

  9. Get an automatic feeder for the Kung Pao cat. We have one we use when we travel. Battery operated, 2 dishes, each with a separate 24 hour timer.
    Amazon.com has them via PetFoodDirect, from whence I order my fat beasties’ food by the case. You might even be able to get it locally–I think the one we have is MADE in Deutchland!

    I sympathize–I’ve got my own kitty alarm clock. If I don’t get up when she wails, she jumps on the bed and starts nudging me–and she’s the sort of cat who likes to give “love bites” in places where I prefer NO ONE bite me–not even the Man 😀

  10. I nearly fell out of the chair laughing at the Olaf/Love story. I hate to eat crow so it was sympathetic laughter really! And Max is a cutie!

  11. Just saw your comment asking about the Westin Bed. WE LOVE IT!!! Every night when I get into bed, I am once again thankful we purchased it.

    One important note: The Westin’s in German-speaking countries have a different bed than the Westin’s everywhere else. Apparently the Germanic folk believe a pillow top mattress is unhealthy! (I know!) So, if you stay in a Westin in Germany, Austria or Switzerland, you are not getting the same experience…

  12. I love reading what you write… you say whats running in my head! lol Hope you are doing well. max is beautiful..and Jeffs GF IS so AMAZING! can’t wait to catch up!?

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