Notes From the Exersaucer

Dear Mother,

I know what you are trying to do and I am hereby discouraging you.

I will not take a bottle. I know I have in the past. I know you have fed me breast milk via a bottle since I was a wee 2 weeks old in order to avoid this problem, but I’m on to you. I know what you’re trying to do.

Dr. Sears suggests child-led weaning and this kid ain’t leading. In fact, to help you figure out that I only want the boob and not some badly flavoured formula I will now wake up every other hour in the night to eat. This will not only drive you crazy with sleep deprivation, but if I keep it up for a while, I will succeed in making those gigantic boobs bigger. Do you want that, Mother? Do you?

My technique of latching on hard then moving my head swiftly to the side thus breaking the seal. Well, it could be worse. Do you want that? You say you started the weaning because of said behaviour, well, let’s just see how that goes.

I’ve scheduled a growth spurt next week and plan on keeping you up feeding that spurt. I will become clingy and needy. You will wreck me irrevocably. I will feel rejected and abandoned. These feelings will follow me for the rest of my life because you dare to wean me before I want to be weaned. Are you trying to pack my emotional baggage this early?

Stop with the attempt to get your body back. You are my mommy and will do as I wish. And I wish for a minty momma cocktail.  Pronto.


Max aka Vindaloo Boo Boo and all those other inane nicknames.

P.S. Stewie from Family Guy and I have been communicating. Don’t make me go there.

P.P.S.  I need more kisses and snuggles.  I’ve only received 897 kisses this morning and it’s already 9 am.  Get on it, lady.  More kisses.  More snuggles.  More Giggles.

P.P.P.S.  I’m digging The Beatles.  More please.

You are under my control.


6 thoughts on “Notes From the Exersaucer

  1. Yeehaah! Go on Max! I love your energy! We should discuss your boobs fixation though, you can develop that one a bit later. The bottle is not too bad, little guy, you can get used to it. It always helps to have a good drinkling technique when it comes to emptying a chest of Tannenzäpfle with your buddy Tilman in about 18 years or so 🙂

    But then, I’m with you regarding the Beatles. Ask your mommy to play it louder, especially Revolution No. 2 or Back in the USSR, and the neighbors will love you dearly. So you’re on the right track with your musical taste. Wait another two years and we’ll talk some techno and minimal.

    OK, now hurry to get some more kisses!

  2. I can’t blame you Max. Boobs are nice, warm, soft… The Boy just gave his up, and I’m sad about it. Excuse me while I go find a tissue…

    P.S. You are flipping adorable. I want to snuggle you.

  3. Oh, Max. Boobs are nice. And you have your whole life to explore them (or not, we don’t judge, we just want you to be happy). But Mamma’s boobs are tired. They need sleep-sleep. It is time to say bye-bye. Can you wave? Good boy! And trust me, sweetheart, the emotional damage will come WAY later when your mom drives you to school.

  4. Believe it or not I envy you, sleep deprivation and all. Okay maybe not the sleep deprivation.

    Jordan nursed for about a year so I thought this is what all babies do. I had the time so it was wonderful, excepting the growth spurts, but those passed. Justin quit me at 5 months and preferred the ease of the bottle, which after Jordan felt like being dumped for another woman. Ollie did the same at 8 months and so did Isabel.

    I encouraged my last three to continue nursing but they weren’t having it. So get past this milestone and he just may grant your wish, but then prepare yourself to sorely miss it. Foremost on the list of curses specific to mothers is the ability to forget the bad bits in favor of the bigger picture.

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