Frankfurt, (Roders) — A German man Markus R., aka ‘Sparky’, died today by what appears to be acute, aggressive, in-your-face poisoning. His wife is being held as she claims it was justifiable homicide.
“ He left me only a half cup of coffee after waking me up at 4 am. Who does that? It’s inhumane.”
This transgression occurred after many, many years of lilbitmitosis (lil-bit-my-toe-sis), a condition where one party thinks that by leaving a little bit in the container, it will reproduce into a larger bit. This is urban legend has been traced back through centuries of husbands leaving small partial amounts of food in containers from milk and juice to butter and cheese.
Ms. Massana-R claims that last night Mr. R left ¼ inch of diet coke in the 2-ltr bottle, ½ teaspoon of butter in the butter container, one slice of cheese and the ‘saddest droplet of pear juice’. The coffee was just too much and pushed her over the edge.
“I have a nine-month old. Sparky woke me up at 4 am. The baby was up at 5:30 am. I needed that coffee. That’s why I made a full pot last night and set the timer. It’s not like coffee is a ‘nice to have’ anymore. I need it. And the diet coke? Do you know what happens to that last little bit? It turns to syrup. I might as well get a diet coke from Ikea. It’s disgusting.”
Ms. Massana-R’s lawyer has a long list of complaints that he claims led his client to act in such a desperate way. He was known to try and clean the kitchen while his wife was still working in there, something Ms. Massana-R claims to have driven her to start drinking. From leaving dishes in the sink “to soak” when clearly not necessary in order to escape pan washing to moving her belongings to random places just so he didn’t have to see her stuff. Mr. R was witnessed to have moved things unconsciously while talking at length to his mother on the phone.
“I was packing up baby things that we no longer need for our current child, but will need for the next one and all he could say was ‘Let’s take it to my mother’s’. His MOTHER’S? Can you believe that? Well, if he stopped buying obsolete electronics, maybe we would have more storage space.”
Mr. Roder’s mother commented to the press about her suspicions regarding her son’s choice in wives.
“You know, she never ironed right and she can’t cook. What kind of wife is that? I told him bedroom gymnastics were not good qualities in a wife, but would he listen? Now see where it’s gotten him. If only he had listened to me, he’d be married to a cold German woman who would cook and clean and care for me in my old age.”
The child is currently in the custody of Mr. R’s mother and she is quite pleased with the situation.