Giddy Up

So it’s been awhile. Huh. Months and months, actually.

Well, nothin’ like getting back up on the horse.

I haven’t felt like doing anything really, much less writing.  I still post in my head. You know, oh I’d like to write about this or that or the Helen Thomas thing that chapped my ass, but I’ve had no energy.  None.  Everyday, I’d wake up counting the hours before I could go back to bed.  Then there were the aches and pains.  My fingers hurt, my hands, my feet, my hips.  Everything just ached. I started taking advil or aleve before bed and when I woke up because it got worse in the night and in the morning my hands hurt so bad I couldn’t open the juice bottle for Max.

I started to notice that words started to fly away the moment I thought them. I couldn’t speak right. It was okay because Max didn’t care if I said petals instead of flowers, but I did.

Yesterday I put a pot of water on to boil and promptly forgot about it until I heard the cracking of the dry pan. The forgetting thing? Happens all the time.

I’ve had full conversations with Markus and completely forgotten we had them.

That’s when I started to get pissed.  Like dementia pissed.  Pissed for forgetting or pissed because I didn’t, I couldn’t possibly have forgotten an entire conversation.

I just thought I needed more sleep which I should have been getting because Max is a most excellent sleeper at this point. I thought it was mommy brain. I thought it was getting older or perhaps a bit of arthritis in my hands. Alice yelled at me to go get blood work, but I put it off because I didn’t want Dr. G to see that I was gaining weight which threw me right back in to the failure at everything mode.

So I tried to stop the weight gain, but I couldn’t find the energy to work out.  I’d need a 2 hr nap when I got home and I rather have a nap and then a 2 hr nap. But I did. I worked out.  Half-assed, but I figured something was better than nothing.

I went back to California hoping that family would shake the depression that sank around me.  It didn’t. I was just more tired and felt horrible that I couldn’t keep up with ANYONE. And worse, I couldn’t hide in my house.

I started to wonder how people have more than one kid because there were days I just couldn’t keep up with Max, let alone another kid and a house and a husband.

And then I felt like a bad mom because really, he’s one kid and an easy one at that.  I would spend all day just with him, on the floor playing or reading books because that is all the energy I had. But still, where was my get up and go?

There were a few days I figured I just needed to put on my big girl panties, drink lots of water and push through, because the busier you are the more you can do, right?

It was at Dr. G’s office, preparing for the next kid (I was just going to jump into that water because obviously I wasn’t thinking clearly and the clock is atickin’) that we finally figured out what the hell was going on.  My thyroid stopped functioning probably about 6-9 month ago. Completely. It happens sometimes after a kid. Not a big deal, totally treatable. Just some fiddling while you find the right dosage.

You know right about the time I was losing my mind from lack of sleep?

It’s really nice to know that this isn’t me losing my mind, because really, I was more than concerned. I thought perhaps I was walking the same path as my maternal line, depressed from a life of unwise choices. Discontent yet lacking the wherewithal to do something, anything really, to make it better. Making plans, yes, but either not following through or lacking any sort of insight that would make the plan better than the present.  I could hear my mother’s voice in my head all the time.  I could hear her acerbic words coming from my mouth when I was frustrated with myself and taking it out on Sparky. And that would crush me.

So that’s where I’ve been.  Fun right?

Perhaps tomorrow I’ll get to the Helen Thomas thing because it still riles me up. And I am way more fun riled than depressed.

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14 thoughts on “Giddy Up

  1. That’s still no excuse for ignoring your blog.

    Okay, it’s a pretty good excuse, I guess. Great that you’ve got a diagnosis now. Good luck.

    James

  2. Yep, before I even read to the end I thought “it’s the thyroid”. Been there, done that, had the disease for over 40 years. There’s no guarantee that the meds will make you feel completely well, but at least they let you live a normal life again. Do they know if it’s Hashimoto’s (autoimmune) or only hypothyroidism?

    Get well and stay well. *smooch*

  3. Several things. I love seeing pictures of your house because it reminds me that once I was brave, just for a couple days. I love seeing pictures of your babe because it reminds me how brave you are too. I wondered at your absence, thought maybe you’d gone back and stayed and dreaded the confirmation post. I’m sad about your health troubles but happy you’ve found the ‘why’ and now can work on making it better. Here’s to your return and making it better! *raising a big glass of Sangria* (YUM)

  4. Glad you are feeling better!

    Ya know, these thyroid things tend to be genetic, but haven’t always been consistently diagnosed or treated. Perhaps it explains the issues on your maternal side?

  5. @james. Thanks. I will persevere to do better.
    @christina: they’re testing for Hashimoto’s, but the Thyroid guy’s office is so typically german bureaucratic, it was difficult to ask questions or do any test “out of routine”. They’re MAILING me my prescription! Dr. G will go to. She’s not a hausarztin, but she takes care of me.

    @Lisa: That is so sweet. Come back, you know the place, you don’t have to be as brave. Bring Isa and she and Max can play while we talk. Believe it or not, I have completely baby proofed the living room.

    @Maria: I saw something in your stream about that. Can’t wait to read it.

    @Gretchen: You hit the nail on the head. My mom had hypothyroidism since she was a young girl. The rest of the girls (four others) have all had some sort of chemical imbalance. The more I learn about hormones in general and the more I walk down the flowered path of hormone imbalance, I CAN see where they would have benefited from a doctor like Dr. G, who connects the dots and understands the body as a whole as opposed to one test gives one problem, medicate and move on.

    But Dr G’s are rare gems. I was really, really lucky to stumble upon her.

  6. Glad to see that they’ve found the problem and it’s treatable. You’ve been missed in the blogging world.

  7. Thyroid issues are so common and so often undiagnosed that it’s scary. It’s all over the place and whenever one mentions it, others chime in with their personal experiences. I’m sorry it took so long for you to be diagnosed and glad that you are working at balancing: it’s a constant up and down, I think, like diabetes for insulin although not as dangerous.

  8. Glad to see you back. Hope you really feel better soon. (Now I’m reminded to call my doc back for my own thyroid test results…forgot. Hmm.)

  9. Oh my gosh Jen, I’ve been wondering about you. What a nasty thing to find out, but how great that they might actually be able to help you with the problem! I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a gal who’s been missed in the blogger world.

  10. You are really lucky that you found a competent doctor. Hope the meds help soon and you`ll be back to your sunny self.

  11. They found the thyroid thing with me 2-3 years ago and it’s amazing how those little pills stopped that 3PM exhaustion thing I was having. Hope they quickly get you on the right dosage–and welcome back!

  12. wow. i’m sorry you’ve been feeling so crappy in the last year… but glad you found out what’s been going on – makes it a lot better just knowing, doesn’t it? at least that’s what i’ve been feeling for the last few weeks: just knowing what’s going on with me and that there are ways to make it better feels SO good!

    will you be in HH for that expat blogger meetup in september?

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