Up the Poop Chute

I just did something amazing. For the first time in 18 months, I thought “hey, I need a shower” and then proceeded to do just that.  There was no need to coordinate “eyes” duty. No Sophie’s Choice of do I sleep, shower or pick up the house/fold the warm laundry before it wrinkles ’cause mama might be cooking, but mama does not iron kind of decision process. (Max is in his crib for quiet time.)

I thought it and I did it. Doesn’t seem like much, but hey, I take my accomplishments where I can get ’em.

In other news, I had a colonoscopy last week.  Ooh exciting I know.  Haven’t you always wanted to know about other people’s colonoscopies.

During a routine Dr. G visit, a test came back with an ambiguous positive.

Having a mom that died from breast cancer, a dad who survived colon cancer and a sister who survived ovarian cancer and even a dog with anal cancer, I’m a little techy about cancer tests.

Sparky cancelled his appointments and  got me into the camera man right away and everything is fine.

When I was getting ready to go, I realized that it had been a long time since I had blown my hair dry and put on make-up to go out. And given the situation, did I put on my make up to look good while my eyes are open or while my eyes are closed?  Closed eye makeup looks very different. And god knows, I needed a non-clumpy mascara! I went with a neutral all over shade with a subtle liner. It looked fine with both open  and closed eyes. And the neutral gloss would assure my lips stayed moist during the procedure.

Disclaimer: Look kids, drugs are no good.  Don’t do them at home or even with a concierge Dr. because you’ll end up like MJ and death is not a life choice you can make more than once unless you are Julia Roberts or Keifer Sutherland in Flatliners.

My doc uses the Michael Jackson  death drug ( propofol) to “allow his patients to sleep through the uncomfortableness of the procedure.” He gives you a choice, but really? Awake for the camera to take its journey to the center of your body or asleep? All I can say is that Germans are a hearty bunch.

And wow, what an awesome drug for medical procedures. Love that I woke up from it too. And when you wake up, you wake up HAPPY. I was so damn happy, if I could have walked without stumbling the day could have been so great!

The first thing I remember after coming to was the doctor saying, “Ah, don’t worry about it. That’s the euphoric side effect.  You’ll be back to normal in a couple of minutes.”

I don’t know what that was in response to, but I’m glad I took such care with my make-up.

I wish my dentist could use that drug. How great would it be if you could go get  a root canal and wake up HAPPY! It would be the best repeat business gimmick. I would actually go to the dentist and not just the kids dentist who tricks me into not looking at the big steel needle she’s about to stick in my gums. She’s been trying to get me in there for over a year. Hey, dentist lady, give me something that will put me out and have me wake up euphoric and I’ll be there.

I didn’t get out of the camera mans’ office without injury, however. In preperation for such a procedure, one must drink a concoction so vile that your bowels empty until your colon is pretty and pink. With that said, the toilet become your best friend.

In a pre-procedure”just to be sure” bathroom visit, I slammed my face against the too-close-to-the-toilet-for-a-gastroenterologists-office door. I hit that door so hard trying to lean forward to wipe my ass that I saw stars and my lipstick made a permanent mark on said door.  That door is so close to the toilet I cannot be the only person who has ever gone in for a colonoscopy and come out with an almost broken nose.

Then I had the wonder drug and promptly forgot about it in all my euphoria. The next day it took me a couple of minutes to remember why the bridge of my nose was bruised.

All’s well that end’s well, right?

Tomorrow is Sparky’s turn. I’m a little jealous. I’ve been trying to get things (other than my foot) up Sparky’s ass for nearly a decade.

**This post is NOT sponsored by the makers of Propofol.


2 thoughts on “Up the Poop Chute

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